Episode 14 feedback from an autistic + break-up commentary

 Nbj123:

It didn’t occur to me until you mentioned now that I’m back in the States that K-POP is successful commercially, including in the US (go, BTS), and I don’t see as much commercial P-POP. But I believe Filipino musicians are better. As a US-trained attorney I travelled all over Asia, also living several years in Asia, and found Filipino musicians everywhere and high quality. I love live music. I’ll start watching for more success for P-POP musicians. I’m sure you’re a better singer than you claim. Best trip to the Philippines (and one of my best vacations ever) was swimming with whale sharks (Attorney Woo would love) about 2 hours drive from Cebu. Keep doing what you are doing. I rarely leave comments but I had to comment how you are successfully educating so many. 

Thank you very much! I never thought this will happen, before EAW, it was just "me, myself, and I", I rarely even mention I'm autistic … just quietly living and making the best of it. I'm glad to hear it is making a difference.

I actually haven't been to Cebu, was headed there once but some other things prevented it (good thing it was a Peso fare). I'll put that in my bucketlist! It's always my dream to experience swimming with creatures of the sea.

^_^

 JoannaLoana:

I totally got into JoonHo feelings, but I didn't quite understand why YoungWoo acted that way - that she didn't explain anything. I thought it was cruel and it made me very angry. But thanks to your explanations, I understood her motives and patterns - and I can overcome these negative feelings towards her behavior.

Don't worry. Relationships are relationships.

To give more context: Two years ago, my 15 years relationship ended. In our case, I am the one who is autistic and my then girlfriend was neurotypical. She did the same thing as Young Woo, just broke up without any explanation whatsoever. Just like that, poof, I was left behind … wondering if I did something wrong, if I was a bad person, if I was an evil boyfriend.

It is for this reason that I also emphasized that Young Woo is also a woman. Many women that I know, not all but many, prefer breaking up and saying nothing other than "we're done". And I've heard similar stories from people from other countries.

Is it a girl thing? Maybe, maybe not. Yes, there are men who do it too, but I seriously doubt the reasons are the same. The mind of a man and a woman are very different. Men and women analyze things differently. And arrive at conclusions differently too.

Then there is autism which means a person's way of thinking and how one processes information is also different from a non-autistic. If we combine autism with gender-related experiences, developments, and methods or biases, we get a complex mindset.

The best way, at least in Young Woo's case, is to look at it both from an autistic view and a woman's view. And from my end, it's the best that I can do … I'm not a woman. I do understand many stuff about women but I seriously doubt I'm at 30%, more likely not even 10%. I only understand what I've observed, inquired/discussed about, and analyzed. I don't even understand people of my own gender, men! Haha.

So … yeah, that's how complex things are.

^_^

(PS. From my experience, a break up is helpful. We tend to take our partners for granted once we start to get comfortable and settled down with a new status quo. Once we do, we revert back to our self before the relationship. As someone shared, from Tumblr, Joon Ho started to go back to his self prior to falling in love with Young Woo. While in Young Woo's case, she still trying to learn what love and relationships are and how different it is from a non-relationship. They already have a disconnect right there. At least this break up, if they will show us this part, will help them or at least Joon Ho, to look at things and decide.)

 IM YourOnlyOne:

She did the same thing as Young Woo, just broke up without any explanation whatsoever. Just like that, poof, I was left behind … wondering if I did something wrong, if I was a bad person, if I was an evil boyfriend.

I feel very sorry for You :( I don't understand why people do that. They destroy others with a lack of willingness to communicate. Communication is key. Relationships can break up, not always everything can be agreed, but leaving someone without telling this person why is cruel :(

 IM YourOnlyOne:

I don't even understand people of my own gender, men!

Do you think I understand women perfectly? Sometimes I don't understand even myself :P  But luckily I'm old enough to know what to do to understand myself and it usually works. But as a young person, I didn't know, and I made a lot of stupid mistakes :(

Your post about autism diagnosis was helpful, but unfortunately too long to quote, so I’ll do my best to reference to specific parts.

The autistic person is already an adult and has survived so far without needing government, NPO, NGO, support. Considering the reasons given earlier, and them surviving so far, an "official" diagnosis is not much of a gain for them.

This is me. I’m almost 50, so getting an official diagnosis would only be for vanity’s sake at this point, and worse yet, it could take away resources that should go to those that truly do need the supports to survive. Also, I’m not just surviving, I’m thriving, and that’s largely due to my autism. Unfortunately, there’s still discrimination even in a fairly enlightened nation like where I’m from, so I don’t want an official diagnosis.

Regarding your list of traits and quirks, you might want to add: can’t look people directly in the eyes. Like holy crap, for me it’s like trying to push the same pole of two magnets together ? My eyes just flicker away from someone else’s unless I concentrate and fake it by staring at the point between their eyebrows, and that makes me super uncomfortable like WYW trying to hold hands. (Except with my wife and kids, but even then it’s sometimes difficult)

Interestingly, I didn’t know about the facial expressions though. My entire life people have told me I look super serious and stern when I’m in a neutral state, and guess that I’m older than I am. But otherwise my facial expressions match my emotional state in a neurotypical way.

But the rest of that list is just check marks all the way down. I want to go into details about each one, but one thing I’m good at is restraining my urge to over share / info dump.

Any knowledge about how age affects autism? I feel like the severity of most of my quirks has decreased with age (all except the pacing, and the eye contact thing). Has anyone studied if severity may indeed decrease, and if so whether it’s because of practice, or because of physiological/neurological changes?

 architect0:

This is me. I’m almost 50, so getting an official diagnosis would only be for vanity’s sake at this point, and worse yet, it could take away resources that should go to those that truly do need the supports to survive.

True.

 architect0:

t just surviving, I’m thriving, and that’s largely due to my autism

Amen to that! Exactly, autism can be positive. It is not all "disorder" and "disability".

 architect0:

Unfortunately, there’s still discrimination even in a fairly enlightened nation like where I’m from, so I don’t want an official diagnosis.

Yeah, that too. It's really sad. There was a news a few years ago there was an airline who did not let an autistic person board because their policy is for all PWDs to have a guardian. I think there was even another incident wherein they were asked for their pills. In both cases (or was it the same?) they don't need a guardian nor are they taking any pills. But because their condition was officially recorded …

 architect0:

Regarding your list of traits and quirks, you might want to add: can’t look people directly in the eyes.

Oh yeah! That was it. I kept on thinking I forgot to include something very common. Thank you! I'll add it.

 architect0:

(Except with my wife and kids, but even then it’s sometimes difficult)

Yep yep! People we are close with, especially in an intimate relationship, we learn to be fine with it. But yeah, there are times that it still is difficult. (But still, we try to hide it so as not to hurt their feelings or misunderstood.)

 architect0:

Interestingly, I didn’t know about the facial expressions though.

I didn't know it either until someone told me. My first encounter that I got really curious was during my Grade 8 year. Our teacher suddenly approached me and asked me a lot of questions, some leading. "What's wrong?" "Why are you sad?" I didn't even know I looked "sad", I was just on my neutral state and just want to be alone in our classroom. Then the leading questions eventually made me cry. LOL.

I mean, she thought I was sad so she started probing. Just so happen my parents did not allow me to join the field trip, so she assumed that was the reason I was "sad". Which eventually made me sad. Hahaha.

I have never forgotten that experience. That was the first time I wondered what "sad" looked like and what facial expression I was making. Later, I also realized I was so bad in reading facial expressions too. If I see someone showing teeth or their lips a little upward, they're "smiling". I can not identify any other meaning of that expression. =)) I even stopped bothering looking at faces (like the chart Young Woo has).

 architect0:

I’m good at is restraining my urge to over share / info dump.

Hahaha. Not me. I talk a lot. In face-to-face conversion, I can restrain myself better, but when typing, it always end in an essay. ^_^;;

 architect0:

Any knowledge about how age affects autism? I feel like the severity of most of my quirks has decreased with age (all except the pacing, and the eye contact thing). Has anyone studied if severity may indeed decrease, and if so whether it’s because of practice, or because of physiological/neurological changes?

Ooh, that's a very good question. I've been wondering about it myself. So far from what I've read from others in the community, it's more on practice, the things we learned, our own methods of coping, and restraining, and being comfortable or used to something. But deep down, those things that we used to react to, or have an overload, or even meltdown, are still there.

In my case, my autistic OCD, I once thought I got over it. But one day I realized I did something automatically again. I came to an understanding that I just learned to push it down unconciously but sometimes it comes up, then will "disappear" again.