1This review may contain spoilers
When Royal Progeny Determines Succession (Major spoilers ahead!)
I. The UglyThere must be a dearth of scripts in the vertically-filmed mini drama circle recently. The few I've picked up in recent weeks have been miserably flatter than my chest. I'm a fan of Meng Na and even her part in this did not save it. The 4.0 rating here is pegged against my gold standard vertically-filmed mini drama 去有你的地方 Go Where You Are starring Wang Dao Tie and Zhao Jia which gets a solid 9.5.
II. The Bad
The script is bad. Where's the love? Where's the romance? This isn't even a bad romance, it's a bleeping terrible one. The entire drama is only 55 minutes, so it's missing crucial story building pieces.
The first episode starts with a decadent scene of the female lead (FL) in the bath. Her maid asks why does she shove a pink pill up her vajayjay daily when she has a naturally fertile body. The pill is somehow a pheromone and MFGM in one; to diminish adult men's brain cells and to augment fetal brain cells at the same time. The FL prepares to visit the palace for the princes' concubine selection and we get a flashback. In her previous life, Prince Xuan (the villain) selected her but sliced her like sashimi after she gave birth to a child with congenital defect (which she somehow thinks is attributable to him).
At the palace, the Imperial Preceptor predicts that either the FL or the daughter of an official, Meng Qingyi (villainess) will birth a blessed child to continue the royal lineage. The villain informs the emperor that the villainess is pregnant with his child and he wishes to marry her. This leads the FL to suspect that the villain has also been reborn. The emperor is furious, but ultimately grants the marriage between the villain and 2FL. Here is where the absurdity starts. The FL requests for a marriage to Prince Jin (ML), whose ding dong supposedly does not king kong for women. The emperor agrees, but warns her that if she fails to carry ML's get within 3 months, her family will be charged with the crime of deceiving the emperor.
During her wedding night, the FL calls out the villain's name after dreaming about him, leading the ML to misunderstand and leave. We then see the ML gazing besottedly at a painting of the FL because he apparently fell in love with her demure facade sometime ago. But apparently, it's been half a month and he hasn't consummated the marriage because he believes the FL is in love with the villain. The FL sobs that here family will be punished if she does not bear his babies The ML agrees to have dinner with her, but later catches the FL drugging his dinner. Just as he's about to eat it, the ML gets called away. He returns to find the FL's seductive silhouette reflected on the bath screen. He clears his throat to bring attention to his presence before he turns to leave (why not just leave without making a sound?). The FL then employs all the tactics in her arsenal (short of falling backwards with her legs open) to stay him, and he ends up half-dressed in bed with her. He wakes up to a morning wood and immediately calls for an ice bath.
Sometime later, a quack declares that the villainess' baby is the blessed baby. The FL recalled that in her past life, the quack's master had said her fertile womb could carry the blessed child, but the villain's weak sperm had ruined it. The dowager empress is happy about the quack's news but quickly turns around to berate the FL for the ML's refusal to bang her.
In the next scene, the FL and the villainess argue and the villainess goes into premature labour. The villain accuses the FL of trying to murder his child. The emperor declares that if the villainess births a blessed child, the villain will be appointed crown prince (because something as important as inheritance is based on who has more fruitful loins) and the FL would then be charged with attempted murder. In the birthing room, the villainess' child is born looking like a pig (no, really, that was the scene) but she quickly switches it out with another baby before the dowager empress and FL barge in. The FL is punished with copying sutras for 3 days, because that's apparently sufficient punishment for attempted murder of royal progeny. The FL falls ill while copying sutras, and the brilliant ML feeds her an aphrodisiac instead of an antipyretic. The imperial doctor warns the ML that only bumping uglies will cure the aphrodisiac reaction, and if not treated within two hours, the FL might die horny. Thus, the ML concedes to losing his well-protected virginity, but wakes up terribly grumpy the next day because he felt used and abused.
The dowager empress is finding fault with the FL again and summons the imperial doctor to inspect the FL's health. The FL is found pregnant, and the villainess panics at the thought that the FL may birth the blessed child and uncover her lies. The FL takes the opportunity to coax the ML, and he very quickly relents. Meanwhile, a doctor informs the villainess she is suffering from secondary infertility, and so the villainess plots to harm the FL's fetus. In return, the FL plots to slip the villainess medication that increases the chances of pregnancy, but at the cost of the mother’s fertility and the child’s wellbeing. While the villainess seduces her husband, the FL misunderstands and believes her own husband holds a white moonlight in his heart.
Later, the villainess is determined to be pregnant with twins. The villain finds an opportunity to confront and aggravate the FL (for absolutely no reason since the confrontation would not have granted him any advantage). The ML swings from sweetly protective to insanely jealous in a split second (what the) before storming off.
News that the villain has appropriated the midwife is apparently stressful enough that the FL goes into labour. Apparently the villain thinks his wife needs tens of people staring at her stretched hoo-ha as he allocates every single imperial doctor and midwife to her, and no one is left to attend to the FL. As the ML threatens to strangle his selfish brother, a golden dragon appears in the sky. Both men marvel at the good omen, neither of them bothered about their respective wives anymore. The dragon is seen flashing into the FL's birthing chamber, and a baby's wail is heard. The FL has birthed a pair of dragon phoenix (boy girl) twins, who carry the markings of blessed children. A maid carries the children out, but the ML is only concerned with his wife's wellbeing and rushes off to see her. Meanwhile, the villainess has birthed Chucky and Valentine, and the villain strangles her. Once the dowager empress and emperor sees the children, the villain and now-crazy villainess are abolished as Crown Prince and Crown Prince Consort. The FL of course rushes to rub salt into the villain's wounds, and the villain tries to strangle her. She is saved by the ML appearing out of nowhere. The FL and ML finally resolve their misunderstandings, and live happily ever after. The end.
I have no idea what I've watched for 55 minutes.
III. The Good
There's a happy ending for the 'good people'. I can't even say that the chemistry or the acting was good--both were non-existent.
IV. Verdict
Skip. Don't even bother unless you have nothing else to watch.
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