Wondering What a Mature Couple in CDramas Looks Like?

(Posting via request)

Wondering What a Mature Couple in CDramas Looks Like? 

19 Ways to Circumvent Conflicts/Misunderstandings and Communicate with Awkward Honesty with Xiao Duo & Bu Yinluo  [Post Episode 30]

For all their playfulness and despite Yinlou's comparative innocence, is anyone else touched by how breathtakingly mature they are - handling all these conflicts? They trust each other when they don't have all of the information and much, much, much more importantly when they only have part of the information. 

1. Xiao Duo does not infantilize Yinlou. He has never hidden who he is or what he does from her (his role and his job). Heck, their first intimate conversation was about how ruthlessly efficient he was and how that stood as proof that he did not commit this particular murder. Not that he wasn’t a murderer, not that he wasn’t capable of murder, not that he hadn’t murdered hundreds of people, that he hadn’t committed this murder.

He has never hid that from her. But he does make an effort to not expose her to violence unnecessarily, so she is not frightened.

The danger, the politics, the intrigue, the scheming, the strategy - he makes no attempts to hide those from her vision. Yes, he tries to protect her, when they go too far, but never remove them from her vision. He is a realist and knows to do so would actually be cruel. She needs to see those things so she can navigate and manipulate and survive. On top of that she is actually intelligent enough to do so (again from a story character perspective it is fascinating to see a younger woman be able to somewhat intelligently navigate court life, usually we see that reserved for older female characters)

2. Xiao Duo tries to reach Yinlou the same way she reached him. When it backfires spectacularly he doesn’t throw in the towel or get frustrated with her. He asks: “What do you want?”

3. He holds space for the juxtaposition between her intellect / wit / street-smarts / court-smarts and her innocence. He has so much inner tension as he desperately tries to assess, 'Does she know what she is saying?'. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. But he has to figure that out. "Chief Xiao, it's a beautiful night. Why don't we make the most of it?" He honestly looked like he was about to swallow his adam's apple along with the cherry she had just popped in his mouth. “I can’t sleep. I came to sleep with you.” This poor man. I think the actress really nails those scenes where Xiao Duo just can not tell what she is thinking.

4. She points out that while they are professional partners, they are still both players in the game. Why should she trust him personally? I love her line: “Who do you think we are? If I said I believe you, would you believe me?”

5. She tells him his behavior is confusing and unsettling to her and that she is afraid of him. 

6. He actually listens to this feedback and alters his approach.

7. Sure she threw a hissy fit, but he gave her the space to be angry and an unprecedented amount of liberty of agency. She left to go apprentice at a Pleasure House to learn how to seduce men (which at the time and thinking he was a eunuch, meant anyone but him) and started chasing around another guy (who also happened to be the brother of his rival and royalty). He just tries to access this information and figure out what she is up to and asks "Did she mention when she will be back?" She, despite her anger and that they were in the middle of a fight, spies on his rival's family who is acting strangely to protect him. 

8. She is not an idiot. She understood how he misunderstood her command to “Take it off”. There are actually several reactions she could have had at this: offense, disgust, anger, being insulted. But she just expressed her agitation that he was derailing her mission: Boots. 

When you really think about it, she is startlingly mature here - acknowledging he most likely has these impulses, is a very eager and willing participant, but also that he isn’t pushing the issue if she doesn’t express willingness. (She is also most likely rather grey on the strength and frequency of these impulses and what participating in them would look like with him, given she believes he is a eunuch)

9. When she asks if he is keeping something from her, he actually indirectly admits to her that he is, "I'll tell you in the future." 

10. She figures out his identity and holds space for him to tell her in his own time. 

11. He is insanely hurt, betrayed and even threatened by what she says at Deer Run, yet he asks an insane amount of clarifying questions and still watches over her while hoping/trying to piece together what she is doing. 

12. They take an interest in each other’s interests. She reads up on the stories surrounding Deng Huo and cares about his tree. He has on several occasions asked her for more information and to share more with him about her Madiao deck. When he renovates Dream Cloud Pavilion for her, he makes certain the Feng Shui is good for gambling.

13. While she does get upset and yell or storm off or make outlandish remarks or shove his chest - when she calms down, she thinks about things from his perspective rather then just staying angry and blaming him for things. He notices this pattern and works with it, “Are you still bitter?” “Has Her Highness calmed down now?” 

14. Yes, she is a bit of a brat, but I find it incredibly endearing that Xiao Duo spoils her if there is a chance for him to do so. Is he handling situations with maturity long before she starts to? Yes. He also has nearly a decade of age on her. I think this is an incredibly realistic portrayal.

15. It is this freedom of expression she is allowed that pay off big time for him, because she isn't scared into being a perfect, meek, little, proper princess around him. Because of this she is very comfortable taking action (getting rid of the beauty spies) or expressing opinions (troop movements) that honestly benefit him.

It is a zaniness of making salacious physical compliments that she wouldn’t stand a chance of calming down if it weren’t for his good looks or that if he weren’t a eunuch he could make a fortune just standing in front of a brothel combined with an endearing honesty when she says things like ‘Well, you didn’t do this murder’ or ‘Aside from my mother you are the best person’ or ‘Be my backer’ or ‘I like expensive desserts’ or telling him how vital he is or that she will teach anyone a lesson if they bully him, because she likes him the best. 

She is up-front and clarifies his confusion (In fact, most of their early conversations follow the same pattern: She gives him an over the top compliment, he makes faces and asks her what she is trying to do or who she is trying to fool, as he tries to process her blatantly saying wonderful things about him. And she just tells him frankly that she is trying to make him feel better) and he understands she is an unfiltered being when she isn’t in “survival” or “play the game” mode. He realizes you can’t have one without the other and accepts her telling him he isn't well-liked to his face (omg, love her to bits) or taking the food he placed in her bowl and immediately feeding it to a dog for the compliment and testament to trust that it is.

16. She protects him: Like a “little lunatic” and a “scary cunning fox” and a “scheming little liar,” but she protects him. Drinks poison to save him. Confronts her father. Drugs herself to cough up blood to distract the Emperor to save him. Kidnaps Rong’an. She attacks two assassins with a sword she has no idea how to use. Does not get out at Mount Yongan. Breaks his heart. Jumps in the river after him. Does not admit who she was acting intimately with to the Emperor and lets him believe it is her cousin (which she is then forced to stab “to death”). Force feeds him multiple “miracle life-saving pills”. She has a decent handle on what actions will get him in trouble and how much trouble and attempts to dissuade him from the choices that have more severe consequences. I would say Xiao Duo’s pet names for her are quite on point.

17. He always asks tons of clarifying questions. (“You want me to hit him again on your behalf?”, “How do you know that I don’t?”, “What do you want?”, “Are you worried about me?”, “Are you okay?”, “What do you want to do?”, “You feel unfair for me?”, “Why is she worried about me?”, “Isn’t this moment with the moon above a peaceful river?”, “What about you? Do you need me?”, “You don’t feel reluctant to return to the palace anymore?”, “Who said that? [You have a home.”]) 

18. He has established he will follow her lead on issues surrounding physical intimacy, abstract intimacy, consent (a huge difference from Prince Fu who has always called her Yinlou and tried to manipulate her into telling him her nickname, as opposed to Xiao Duo who waited for permission to call her anything other than Your Highness) and power dynamics. 

Xiao Duo has always struck the balance between being aggressive enough that Yinlou feels pursued, while holding space for her to declare the boundaries. And every-time he is aggressive enough that he pushes those boundaries further (even if he is following her lead) he pauses and holds space for her to assess and process. These moments of her character deciding are one area this actress shines in: the combination of anticipatory breathing, innocent trust, shock, sometimes confusion and deliberation about implications is spot on. 

19. Are they dancing around the issue of her father being the murderer. Yes, 100%. Are they aware that the other basically knows what they know? Yes, 100% Are they acknowledging that communicating multi-layered emotions is complex and often nonsensical. Yes, 100%. Are they doubting each other as they go through the motions of their piece of theater? No, 0%. Do they still have each other’s back while doing that? Yes, 100%. Do they eventually just say ‘No more games, let’s talk about this even though it is a sensitive topic and touches on some things we don’t want to. Yes, 100%.

(For a girl with so much game, she has 0 guile when it comes to him. She keeps pouring him alcohol to drink and he is just ‘Really? This is the play you’re making?’)

It’s very nice of you to re-post this piece here. Actually I had copied this to my phone to re-read from time to time.  I love them both as individuals and as a couple. Most of the time I just love one party and the other is so so to me. “XD & YL” is gold.

I especially appreciate #8. It’s delightful to see such mature attitude towards this subject from the leads especially the FL, not to mention in a historical setting. I like it. Also, the  brilliance of that scene is that one minute they made us viewers giddy with anticipation for the cp’s physical intimacy, right the next moment, they melt our hearts instead with her measuring his feet for boots ❤️

I loved when she was pouring him the wine, she wasn't even trying to be subtle about what her goal was...and he played along with it as far as he possibly could until he just flat out talked to her about the issues. A great example of their ability to communicate verbally and nonverbally.

I really enjoyed their relationship, built gradually over time to be between equals who each have separate and unique traits to bring to the table, neither is better than the other and neither treats the other like a child.  

So many other cdramas force the FL role downward until honestly you wonder why the male lead would be attracted to someone who is basically mentally challenged so much that they can't even open a bottle of water for themselves.