About Kim Taehee and Tak Chungha... (Spoilers up to episode 9)

Alternative title: TAEHEE DID NOTHING WRONG, BECAUSE GRIEF IS A NASTY MONSTER. 

So, you have reached the point in the drama where you see him ditching Chungha in the rain, and never seeks her out again, until she does. God, what a jerk, right? Breaks up with his girlfriend of ten years just because he feels guilty about his brother's death? Without ANY reason? He is such a bad person! Not so fast. First, between the flashback you saw and her desperate (unwanted from his side) attempts to get back together from episode 7 upwards to 9, is a timespan of (almost) two years. Yes, years, not weeks, nor months. The show is not exceptionally clear on that, which is why I made a timeline list here. 

With that out of the way, he had no reason to break up? Really? 

There are all sorts of reasons for falling out of love…it doesn’t necessarily make those feelings shallow or fickle, nor him a bad person. And calling it "feeling guilty" is underplaying Taehee's trauma about what happened (but hey, he  should just get over it, right?) This is not how any of this works. The drama (eps 9, the talk with his uncle) showed that it runs so much deeper than just "feeling guilty" and how he had never really processed his grief and guilt about what happened thus far. Losing his brother so suddenly and brutally and without being able to save him as a doctor, on top of it, left deep scars, mentally and emotionally. 

And people seem to fail to realize how earth-shattering and soul-destroying losing a family member can be. Especially when it’s a child, his beloved little brother, and when you’re indirectly the reason for it. When they die right in front of you is enough to ruin your life for years, like it did to Taehee. 

After that deeply tragic and traumatic loss, he just didn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship any longer, to go through the motions of being a supportive boyfriend as if nothing happened when EVERYTHING had changed on a foundational level. Chungha might have thought that he broke up with her because he blamed her, but TH never says anything to suggest that. He only blames himself and tells her that, too.

• But it is so unfair to her, she did nothing wrong! How can he move on with another woman now? He is cruel!

He’s cold/distant to her because she’s quasi become a trauma trigger for him. This effect Chungha has on him is very visible in the way his whole demeanor, expression and body language changes. It basically sagged and faltered on itself, when he first saw her again at the end of episode six. And each time since, whenever he sees her, it is as if the life is sucked out of him, as if he no longer can breathe. Chungha is a reminder of the most painful time and traumatic event and his failings in it, and the what's ifs that didn't come to pass. Which yeah, of course, are not her fault... but she’s being a unfair to him too. Two years have passed since they broke up. Chungha just can’t expect things to suddenly go back to the way they were. Grief and time both change people and Taehee is a different person now. Chungha and her mom both act as if he owes her his love, but love doesn’t work like that. It sucks for her that things and his feelings for her have changed…but she cannot forcing her way back into his life when he’s trying to move on, just because SHE wants to. 

There are always two parties required to agree on getting back together after a break up, not just one, not just hers. And each time she sought him out, he has laid out to her very clearly in both,  words and body language, repeatedly, that they are done, that he's moved on from her and is never coming back. But SHE'S the one who keeps coming back. She is moving into his place without even asking beforehand and then following through, completely ignoring his discomfort with it. She is demanding that he eats with her in misusing the errand service for it (the guy is working and thought she was a client to the point where he canceled his plans with DJ for his work.) She is invading his personal space, disregarding every single thing he says, his agency. She's the one that frames everything about her feelings, her emotions. 

And no matter how hurt you are or how much you want something to happen if the other person involved, no matter even the reason says no and gives you clear and  irrevocable refusal to your request and wish of things to happen - repeatedly- , you better damn well come and learn to accept and RESPECT their agency and boundaries in it all. Yes, independent of how unsatisfactory their reaction and reply may be for you personally. Because this is the point where you cross a line, or even several ones, set by the other person and you disrespect their autonomy, thoughts and feelings in and on this matter. And it does not need explanation why this is a bad thing, right? Also just imagine if their dynamic were genderflipped and Chungha a dude doing this borderline stalky things to a woman, it is kinda doubtful people would pity the dude in the same way. Just saying.

The  energy vampire personality of Chungha and the toxicity of her mother may have also become too emotionally draining on top of his grief. The drama is not showing many details as to how CH reacted after his brother’s death, but in the scene of their breakup she made it all about her feelings while never really validating or playing down his grief/trauma. Taehee appreciates Dongjoo because she is there for him emotionally, validates his feelings without pressuring him to open up about his trauma or magically move on from it, understands him. I feel CH wasn’t, nor did any of these things. Or else you would not have Taehee talking about how he could have gone through it if Dongjoo had been at his side back then, "how it would have been better." 

Basically, Taehee's relationship with Chungha lost importance compared to his feelings of loss and guilt and he couldn't bring himself to go through the motions of being a devoted boyfriend, proposing marriage and acting like everything was fine. In reality, he couldn't be happy with CH because he needed to grieve first and she wasn't the kind of person who would let him do that, but with DJ he feels he could have got through it.

Thus, Taehee and Dongjoo are better suited to each other because they can and will be there for one another in tough times instead of amplifying each other's misery through miscommunication and pressure to perform certain roles in their relationship. It's really not that hard to understand, especially after seeing how Chungha is constantly projecting her own needs on him and asking him to be, do and feel things he isn't, doesn't want to do nor feel. We also never see her comforting him. Even in the hospital flashback scene when she realizes what happened with his brother and he weeps over his dead body, she stands there emotionless looking on from a distance. 

With all that in mind, it is pretty obvious that Chungha was a burden to Taehee at that time instead of a source of comfort/someone who understands/empathizes like Dongjoo does two years later. Even if that wasn’t her intention, and she didn’t do anything wrong and it was unfair to dump her… when someone is going through the worst moments of their life and their girlfriend is only making it worse, the relationship should end. 

• Wasn't she his first love? Did he love her at all? Taehee is so fickle with his emotions.

Yes she was, he did, and no he isn't. Again, you have to remember that trauma and grief and the loss of a beloved family member changes/changed everything. The fact of having to explain that shows, this is a type of pain that is so unimaginable to people that they cannot understand why this would happen. And another difference is though what she experiences is painful, it is NOTHING like what he went through. Not that his pain trumps hers because that is a personal experience and isn't a competition, but the fact is that his pain will never ever ever go away. It cannot be fixed, he will never get another brother, that same one. Ever. But she will find love and happiness with that love because she is alive and so are another eight billion people on earth. Though that experience was painful, and she won't forget it, she can experience love again. She can even see  Taehee again, as he is still alive and breathing. He cannot say the same about his brother, none of that will ever again apply to his brother. He will never see him again.

While we don't get much details on their relationship shown by the drama, with all the hints given by characters action and words it is fair to infer that their dynamic was slanted in her favor, with him being the sole provider, particularly emotionally.  Before the big traumatic event Taehee was willing to bear the  dynamic of him being the sole emotional giver in his relationship with Chungha (and her only taking, taking taking, without giving back) because he loved her and also, didn't know better, since she was his first love and probably also first relationship. As  well as him bearing the brunt of her caustic mom's disapproval and her whole... exhausting everything in general, but after his brother's tragic death? Especially when she's a walking reminder of the pain (though this one is not her fault)? 

It had reached the point where he'd nothing left to give, as the emptiness and grief swallowed him whole and hadn't spat him out until DJ came into his life. Like he said, he was dead inside, just going through the motions, surviving instead of living. He didn't think he deserved to feel anything either out of fear to forget his guilt in a happy moment, as mired in trauma and grief as he was. Dongjoo changed that,  presented him a future to live for, to feel again; be it in a positive or negative way, to move on from standstill toward healing. Instead to pull him back into the past and the most painful moment/failure in his life like Chungha did every time she appeared in front of him. Not her fault that she triggers him, but at some point, with a modicum of self-awareness and emotional intelligence, she would recognize that his response to her isn't hostility but trauma bound. Alas, as wrapped up in her own feelings she is is very unable to do that.

• Why isn't he telling her the reason he broke up and what happened that night? He should come clean with her. He owes it to her, so she can move on.

First of all, IT HAS BEEN TWO YEARS. Any normal, emotionally stable person would have moved on by now. Reason given for the breakup or not. Plus, fact is there is never a good enough reason if you are on the receiving end of a break-up, you will always feel jilted. But Taehee in fact had a life altering reason to want to move on away from Chungha. Based on her attitude, if Taehee told her the full story, it would only make her cling on him more. She can't move on cause she's dependent on him. Imagine if she knows that he was about to propose. Chungha would most likely hear nothing he said after he uttered the word "proposal" and zoom in on that and her efforts "to win him back." Rather than, you know, understand that he broke up with her because, while he does not blame her for what happened (he told her so) seeing her triggers his trauma and hence she is the stark opposite of comfort to him. (The guy cannot even bear to be under the same roof with her, after all. In fact, he slept elsewhere for the amount of time she basically forced her way into his home.)

So telling her the full story would just give her false hope, because hey, he wanted to marry her two years ago. Why not wait longer until they can get back to that?  Plus, as said before she ignored even the most basic things Taehee clearly and repeatedly told her, to the point where the man just mentally sighed at her "I will wait for you even if you told me not to, xoxo" message. NOTHING he says or does goes/went through to that woman. She has continuously proven in several episodes and every encounter with him that she doesn't understand him, nor even cares to, because her own (hurt) feelings and needs are paramount to his, whenever they meet.

And yes, she has a right to feel upset, an end to a relationship and not getting what you want sucks, is never easy. But it has been two years and she has to deal with this on her own. She is responsible for her own emotional wellbeing, the compartmentalization of her feelings, the hurt. Not Taehee. At this point and time, years later, he does not owe her anything anymore. Neither time, engagement or reasoning, especially after she repeatedly ignored his boundaries and wishes to leave him alone and to move on, without her.

Sure, we can see that she's also grieving in her way and that is coming at a cost just like with him. Yet her reaction is incomparable in source of the grief and in their actions. One ended a relationship because of a death of a loved one—that she cannot fill and should not—But the other is trying to wedge between a budding relationship and his wish to move on and heal instead to get stuck in the past with her, because she's responding to her desire for his love and he rejected that love and hurt her. She has to move on and heal/find emotional stability on her own, apart from Taehee, and free from the influence of her mother that happens later on she also recognizes it.

Thank you so much for your words... I was searching for this explanation and you  have explained your thoughts properly here..

I really admire the detail here and I thank you for linking this in your reply to my message. However I still stand over that how he treats her is really awful. You seem to think the two years is key. You say its not black and white but also that any normal person would have moved on in 2 years that her behaviour is selfish and she is a burden that of course he wouldn't want to see her you see all that as black and white you infer all sorts of feelings excuses and emotions of the ML as understandable but all of hers as unreasonable.  In the two years this woman has had no closure she tells the ML she thought he needed time that if he had time to process hisv grief maybe they could resolve things. Pretty understandable this wasn't a relationship in trouble he was going to propose they were together 10 years they were going to get married they were in love you put so much effort into explaining his feelings of grief and guilt how that excuses him and his cold hearted selfish hirrible actions but dismiss hers as "ah get over it move on it's obvious you ship the leads and see thus storyline as a annoying thorn so your at pains to explain it away because on any close examination it definitely sucks.  

BUT okay I grant you relationships interrupted by such horrible stuff can break buy to just disregard her feelings after 10 yrs to dismiss her as a burden a hindrance is terrible. In the crucial 2 yrs he was in the army and then essentially withdrawn. So she is not trying to get back with him for two years she is waiting probably heartbroken guilt ridden and desparaye for answers. She has no closure no understanding of what she did wrong of why he just left her  so she gives him time to get to where to where he is now processing his grief and guilt. But instead of including her in this process, instead of giving her closure of ending it properly he just ignored her is infuriating in his unwillingness to give her or their time together any respect. Add to that she has to witness him do it with another woman he barely knows her heart must have been broken he was the best thing in her life he dismisses her as nothing. She then decides to fight for him irrationally maybe but to be fair his behaviour toward her has been so bizarre so unfair so unexplainable maybe she feels no this is not right I finally get to see him I can't just accept this he's not in his right mind still I need to remind him of what we had I still love him. Tragic sad but understandable. Even if the outcome didn't change the total lack of any decency he shows her makes his as you see it reassuring claim he doesn't blame her just seem like a lie another dismissal of her. To her it must seem so unfair what? You never blamed me but you still just cut me off like I'm nobody. Remember he was actually gonna forgive and move on with the neighbour who again he barely knows before it all came out in full detail. Any decent person would feel guilt abd shame and would try at least to let her down gently to explain all these feelings you attribute to him that she seemingly evokes. He just acts like she never meant anything to him. 

And when she meets him after she has had to deal with all the other horrible stuff in her life but still initiates a chat with him to make him feel better after what he did to her, even then he can't say anything nice can't acknowledge hey all this must have been awful for you too no he just sits there as if to say yeah I'm glad you finally realise I'm not interested in anything about you anymore. That to me was his chance to redeem himself that he didn't was unforgivable. 

In short your explanations are a lot of you seeing what you want to see in ML that just aren't backed up in the drama. Based on the drama and what happened in it he was a cruel cold and selfish horrible person when it came to his ex. It was a really badly written plot line and as I said I felt more sorry for her than anyone else I lost any sense of affection for ML and for FL and it did ruin it for me and I didn't bother with the last ep and a half. 

 His treatment of her cannot be explained or justified by his grief. He doesn't need to take her back but he needs to respect her and what they lost by talking to her it was so unnecessarily cruel not to give her at least that much.