Step 1. Think hard. When was the last time people thought a remake was better than the original? If you are going to remake a show that is justly (or unjustly) famous (or notorious), know that people will always compare your show to the original. If it falls short, you have only yourself to blame.

Step 2. Know your audience. BL is a niche community, even in Japan. Many of us have heard of and seen the original LITA. We may love it, we may hate it, but we know of it. A lot of us will watch the remake just in order to see how it compares. If you forget this, again, you have only yourself to blame.

Step 3. Ask yourself why. I mean, why? For god’s sake, why? Why can’t you leave well enough — or bad enough — alone? What possible reason might you have, apart from a presumed reluctance on the part of the Japanese -- a reluctance that I don't think exists -- to read subtitles? Or if that isn’t the problem, what have you to offer us that’s different? If nothing, why waste time and money on this, when you could have given us something better?

Step 4. Consider the source material. Here, you potentially have two. The (cough) novel. And the TV show. If you did read... the novel… more power to you. If you just watched the TV show, welcome to our world. But don't forget. This is Mame. Storytelling isn’t her strength. Sexual… ummm… proclivities, I guess? are what gets her off. As, of course, does calling your dom top “Daddy”. Well done, Noeul.

Step 5. Rip the bodices. Isn’t that what got you into it in the first place? If you’re going to be coy around it, leave it alone. Some of us return to LITA not for the… story… but for something else. And that something else was *hot*. If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Which, given the number of gastronomic BLs Japan puts out each year, is perhaps impossible.

Step 6. Speaking of cooking, test for chemistry. People who cared for LITA fall into two camps. They were either in it for the dom-bottom pair, or for the peat-bog -- I mean, peat-fort -- pair. Either way, it is the chemistry between them that sold the show. This one has all the chemistry of mildew on a damp cloth.

Step 7. Cast the right actors. In a bodice-ripper, they must be game, and willing to go all the way. The actors in the original did. That’s why we bought it — even those who hated it. You did well enough with Shoma here, and there is a reason why he did two segments of Kiss x Kiss x Kiss in one season. The man is hot, and he's comfortable lashing his tongue against another's. But you really oughtn’t have cast the rest of the gang here. Hamaya was certainly a bad choice. When one of the actors refuses to open his lips, while the other one licks them like a cat does the last drop of milk from a bowl, it is not sexy. It looks non-consensual, and makes us cringe. (While I’m not staying for the other couple, what I have seen so far hasn’t been encouraging. I doubt they’d even kiss.)

Step 8. Find the right size. For the series as a whole and for each episode. Here, the length and duration do not feel right. Sometimes, less is not more. Compression is not always a virtue. Size matters. The original… story… was narratively... challenged... as it was. Don’t make it incomprehensible. Remember: The theory of special relativity only works near the speed of light. And Einstein already taught us that length contraction was the same as time dilation.

Step 9. Identify areas for improvement. The "story"… and the "writing"… in the original weren’t exactly stellar. You could have made the story tighter, more coherent, and much more integrated, especially given the limitations on time and length you have imposed upon yourself. Isn’t this what JBLs are supposed to be good at?

Step 10. Or, you know, just stop. The “market”, unlike colour in Japanese cinematography, is saturated enough as it is. We have the Thai BL meat factory releasing a bodice-ripper every other week, but at least there the actors know how to kiss. Taiwan releases a step-brother storyline once a month to titillate us, and KBL is ever at hand to give us the white-and-blue-jacket no-kiss-guaranteed school lunch once a season. We have enough to keep us going. If you have nothing original to offer, why bother?

This review is dedicated to Selbee, who had love enough to ask me for one.

Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: There’s a new Love in the Air.
DON’T SAY: It's a hole in the ozone layer.