Frequently Asked Questions: A Partial Guide to "Love In The Big City"

Content Warning: Mild sardonic humour.

I. THE BASICS.

Should I watch this show?

Absolutely.

Why?

Because it is perhaps the best Korean series I have seen under the BL/LGBT rubric. 



Really? But you hate everything!
I know!

What’s so good about the show?
The cast and the acting are both superb, the cinematography is very good, and the production commendable. The directors (especially of the later episodes) did a great job creating and sustaining specific moods within which the drama plays out. But, above all, I just fell in love with the story, and all the people, flawed as they are, in it. I felt as if I had entered a whole, new, fully realised world, which I was loth to leave. It was funny, messy, enjoyable, beautiful, quietly moving, and at times, devastating.

What’s middling about it?

The script. When it’s good, it’s very good. When it’s bad, you'll roll your eyes or cringe. Sometimes, you're left with more questions than answers.

And what’s bad?
That depends on what you want out of the show. If you’re expecting a traditional BL, you’ll be disappointed. If you're looking for social commentary on homophobia in Korea, you'll be disappointed. If you’re looking for likeable characters, a protagonist you can root for, or for the evolving presence of another character besides the protagonist, you’ll also be disappointed.

How would you characterise this show then?
Think of "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man", but make it gay and less obnoxious. The story is about Ko Yeong, and Ko Yeong alone. It is to his life that the series is devoted. Other people will merely come and go. As they do in the solipsistic theatre in each of our lives.

Does it have a happy ending?
I will not dignify that with a response.*


II. PLOT & CHARACTERS.

What is the plot of the show?
It really doesn't have one. You just follow the life of Ko, and see the world through his perspective, which, admittedly, is limited, self-serving and sometimes suffocating. However, the overarching theme is love, and how, in contrast to what Pope Ru Paul II says, you can't really love yourself until you have dared to love someone else.

Can you say more?
Well, without spoiling too much, I think the show is about how we don't always recognise love when we have it, nor understand it when we profess it, nor, worst of all, know how to treasure it until we lose it.

Sounds painful.
It's love!

Who is Ko Yeong, then?
He's a writer, and is obviously modelled on Sang Young Park, the person who wrote the novel on which this is based. I won't say anything more than that. You should discover his character on your own.

Oh no, he's unlikeable, isn't he?
Since when did people start insisting that all fictional characters must be admirable or paragons of moral purity? He's human, and yes, humans are often insufferable.

Alright, alright. What about the other characters?
Yeong has a good group of friends, a girl friend from college with whom he lives for a while, lovers who come and go, and then there is... no, I don't want to spoil it. There's also his mum and dad, though the latter has only a marginal presence, and is very thinly sketched.

How well-drawn are the other characters?
Well, you will have to first accept that most characters aren't present throughout the show. They do drop off. If you accept that -- and I'm not saying you should -- I think they are very well-drawn. The girl friend and Yeong's mother are my favourites. The Japanese character at the end is the worst-written. But the actors are, with one or two exceptions, brilliant, and bring their subjects vividly to life.


III. THE SCRIPT & ACTING.

Is the writing any good?
Yes, and no. There is a lot to like about it. It is suffused with humour and charm -- a rare virtue in this world -- and pregnant with pathos. But it is uneven. Some episodes are clearly better than others.

Such as?
Again, I don't want to spoil too much. But there is an episode involving a break-up scene in a pasta restaurant. Let's just say, it was perfect. The note on which the episode ends might seem irredeemably cheesy, and might have been better written, but I thought it was the right note on which to end it. Not least because, otherwise, homophobia would have won the day. I will also say that the writing in Ep. 6 was perhaps the best in the series, and the best in any Korean TV show I have seen -- which, outside the BL world, is admittedly not a lot. Obviously, Park loves Madame Bovary, the references and parallel to which, for those who have read it, will be obvious.

When is the writing bad?
It mainly comes down to two things: pacing, and on-the-nose sentimentality. Evidently, squeezing a 200-page novel into an 8-part series is hard, but the script could have nevertheless been sharper, and the timing better spent. There are omissions that make little sense, and inclusions that are baffling. The other problem is its propensity to lapse into sentimentality when it is not sure that the audience will feel the way it wants them to feel. This leads to narrative overcompensation, and therefore to some of the sappiest moments in the show. Having said that, there is another plausible explanation for this sappiness and for some of the more overt fairy tale moments. (Emphasis on the ‘fairy’.)

What is it?
This is a bit of a spoiler. But Yeong, in the end, strongly implies that the story we have seen is not real, but a fictionalised version of his life that he has written for himself. He is attempting to write and rewrite story of his past loves — which is symbolised in the lantern scene — and yet (or therefore) fails to understand it. The fairy tale moments are a symbol of that want. This is, of course, a generous interpretation on my part. But I think it is justified.

I have to ask, this being a Korean production, do the men in the show at least kiss?
Oh, they do so much more than that!

Glory Hallelujah! So the actors don't hold back?
No! The cast is quite amazing. (Well, except the Japanese cast member. He should have been fired.) And the lead is a tremendous actor, and, from what I gather, a very good person.

Is this what happens when straight people are not put in charge of a show?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me.*


IV. THE ISSUES.

I presume the show has something to say about what it's like to be gay in Korea and all that?
It sure does.

And?
Well, it is not a PSA about homophobia in Korea, and thank heavens for that. The story does touch upon all the issues, but by allusion and ellipsis, and not, as lesser shows do, in the service of edification or worse, as a plot device.

So, what does come up?
Christianity, of course, and the homophobia it sows. (Somebody should put up a poster somewhere: CHRISTIANITY. RUINING YOUR SEX LIFE FOR 2000 YEARS!) Conversion therapy. Internalised homophobia. HIV. PrEP.

Does it deal with these issues well?
Urgh.* Why should the onus of that be on the show? Or on any work of art? But, to answer your question, for the most part, yes. Yeong has never had trouble accepting himself, and wants to be only himself. (Though in the first episode or two, that does not always appear to be the case.) And HIV is not a death sentence in the show, and it is clear that, when it was filmed/written, Thailand was farther ahead on PEP/PrEP than Korea. (Japan doesn't offer PrEP to this day!) These are all a normal part of what it means to be a sexually active gay person today, and it is to the show's credit that it portrays it as such, and not as an onerous check-list to tick off. Such things come up organically, and don't feel forced. There is one issue, however, that I should perhaps warn you about, which is my one area of moral uncertainty about the show.

Which is?
The question of when and how to tell a potential sexual partner you have HIV. It was once unquestionable that you had to tell all potential partners. But with PrEP and PEP, as well as the medical certainty that Undetectable=Untransmittable, these things are no longer quite so clear cut, not least when the stigma of disclosing your HIV status remains as strong as ever. Yeong says in the show that he has only told one partner (which, on its face, is quite unbelievable). But that makes his behaviour with other partners morally dubious, unless we know that he's undetectable, which he does seem to be. (Korea's public health system does pay for HIV medication.) Then why not say so, especially when it could have been done in two lines of dialogue or less? It would have also added to the depth of Yeong's character, by adding more substance to his limitations as a human being. This, I think, *is* an instance of bad writing.


V. LIFE LESSONS

Does the show offer any pearls of wisdom for young gay (or bi) men?
Yes, plenty!

Such as?
1. Don't go out with a philosopher. Ever.
2. Don't date Christians. Or rather, practising Christians of the born-again, evangelical sort.
3. If you're going to go to bed with a guy on the DL, don't fall in love with him. To quote a wise woman: Use him, abuse him, lose him.
4. If a guy asks you to hide who you are in public, or in front of other people, run.
5. If it seems like you're dating one prick after another, or one closet-case after another, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Maybe it's you, Linda!
6. Keep a good group of friends around you who understand you.
7. Learn about PEP, PrEP, U=U, STDs, and when in doubt, always use a condom.
8. If you are lucky enough to find a man with whom you can be yourself, don't ever let him go.
9. Loving another person is perhaps the hardest thing in the world to do. And for all its highs, rushes, longings, and satisfactions, it also has its long periods of languor, stupor, pain, and disappointment. Don't confuse these for signs of failure and give up.
10. There is a reason we have appropriated the word 'gay' for ourselves. We are lovely, funny, messy, sexy, gorgeous, insane creatures. Embrace it!


VI. LAST WORDS

It sounds as if, even though you like the show a great deal, you do have a few reservations about it. Why do you then praise it so, and why the high rating?
I don't usually go into shows with any set expectations. I go in with a spirit of receptiveness, to see what the work has to offer. In most BLs I come across here, what I see is a straight woman's fantasy of two men being in love, where, if you replace the submissive person with a woman, you'd barely notice the difference from a run-of-the Mills & Boons romance.

I see what you did there.
Haha, yes. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Pleasure is pleasure. But it does not resonate with me. (I also find it deeply troubling when shows go out of their way to avoid the word 'gay', or avoid depictions of gay intimacy -- which decision, alas, wins much plaudits among the viewership here.) On the other hand, films that are tagged with the LGBT label are expected to focus too heavily on the pain of coming out, societal homophobia, bullying, suicides, and persecution, which, of course, is vital and important. But something gets lost in the middle between these two extremes of straight-washed fantasy and hideous reality. This show exists in that in-between space, and that's what appealed to me the most. Love mixed with hatred, levity with weight, humour with sorrow, fantasy with reality, charm with severity, isolation within crowds, and pockets of tolerance within a hostile city. The show is not quite realistic, but it is *real*. It is a world I can recognise as being true, as being faithful to life. And it is not often I can say that.

*The asterisk indicates an ironic or sardonic comment, not to be taken literally. I wish I didn't have to point this out. But given that some people are constitutionally devoid of a sense of humour (see below, and on the comments section of the show), I thought it better to be safe. Sigh.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Monsieur Yeong, c'est moi!
DON'T SAY: Let us be Seoul Mates

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PecBros, or, Peccentric Bromance

This is how I imagine the pitch meeting for this show went:

WRITERS: So, we have a proposal for a new BL. One that is radical and fresh and new and innovative...
PRODUCERS: What is it?
WRITERS: It’s a Thai BL crossed with a Korean BL.
PRODUCERS: Brilliant!! Go nuts!
WRITERS: Great! How much money do we get?
PRODUCERS: Nothing.
DIRECTOR: Hang on... (To the writers:) Talk us through it.
WRITERS: Well, there's this Thai dude who comes to study at Korea, and he's best friends with this Korean dude, because they grew up together, and...
PRODUCERS: In the same country?
WRITERS: Yes.
PRODUCERS: Which one? Thailand or Korea?

WRITERS: Exactly.
PRODUCERS: Well, which is it?
WRITERS: Which isn't it?
PRODUCERS: O... kay...
WRITERS: Anyway, the Thai dude goes to the same university as his buddy, and they decide to share the same room. Will they be more than friends? That's the story.
(Everyone sighs.)
CASTING DIRECTOR: So, I'm guessing we’ll need to find a Korean actor who speaks Thai, and a Thai actor who speaks Korean?
PRODUCERS: Who are also willing to be in a BL? Forget it. Too expensive.
WRITERS: What do we do then?
PRODUCERS: We get around it.
WRITERS: How?
DIRECTOR: By giving them a few language lessons?
PRODUCERS: Of course not. Let's just have the Thai guy speak Thai, and the Korean guy speak Korean. Done.
WRITERS: But…
PRODUCERS: But what?

WRITERS: If the Thai actor cannot speak Korean, and the show is set in Korea, how will he interact with all the other Korean characters in the show?
PRODUCERS: What characters?

WRITERS (shuffling through their papers): Well, so far, we have a couple of university students, a gym teacher, and of course, a fujoshi.
CASTING DIRECTOR: That would be a problem.
PRODUCERS: Hmmm... Well, why don't we just say that all the students are majoring in Thai, that the gym teacher loves Thai culture, and the fujoshi… well, can’t she just love Thai food?

WRITERS: Yet none of them can speak a word of Thai?

DIRECTOR: Well, what are the boys studying at college?
WRITERS: I think they’re studying… (They talk among themselves and fumble through the pages.) Ummm... something physical education-y.
PRODUCERS: In other words, something that gets them to the gym in order for us to see them topless.
(The writers remain silent.)
PRODUCERS: Then why the fuck does any of it matter?
Just throw them in the gym, take a few thirst traps, and give it a theme tune. Done.
DIRECTOR: Ummm… Not to be a wet blanket or anything. But is there a plot somewhere around the corner?

WRITERS: We’re still working on it.
DIRECTOR: What do you mean "working on it"?

WRITERS: We have an element of mystery. We think the gym teacher might be involved in a murder.
DIRECTOR: Might be? Surely you, as writers, should know what happens?
PRODUCERS: You a rookie? He's just a hunk of meat. (To the writers): Isn't he?
DIRECTOR: Well, you’re not helping matters. If we have good actors, or better scriptwriters... no offence...
WRITERS: None taken.
DIRECTOR: Then we can go somewhere. What am I supposed to do now?

PRODUCERS: Get off our backs, okay? This is BL 101. You need arms, pecs, abs, and ass. You need some “angst”, whatever the fuck that means, and you need a happy ending. Don’t tell me the girls won’t eat this up.
WRITERS: They have a point.
PRODUCERS (clapping their hands twice): Get to it, then. Make us some money.
CASTING DIRECTOR: This is going to be a fun couple of months.
DIRECTOR: What could possibly go wrong?


And this is how I imagine the post-production meeting went:

PRODUCERS: Remind us, which one of you was the editor on this project? (A hesitant hand goes up.) You're fired. And who did the cinematography? You’re fired too. Now, who did the music? (Another hesitant hand goes up.) Give the man a raise. He knows how to trap all that thirst. Now, where are the screenwriters?
WRITERS: Here.
PRODUCERS: Tell me, have you ever considered writing for gay porn? Because your talents are wasted here.
WRITERS: Oh! Wait... what?
PRODUCERS (sighing): It's one thing to have no plot. Which is what you came to us with in the first place. But now, you have given us a murder mystery in which the real villain was... drumrolls please...
CASTING DIRECTOR: Oh, you want us to do the actual drumroll?
DIRECTOR: Interesting.
PRODUCERS: The fat guy! You know, the fat guy who steals other people's food, who can't control himself or his feelings, and who therefore deserves to die? This is what you were going for. In 2024.
(The writers are silent.)
PRODUCERS: Tell me, was he meant to be gay as well? Not that we acknowledge the existence of gays in KBLs, of course. Or did you make that vague on purpose, so that your audience wouldn't have to think of him as a sexual being?
WRITERS: No... It's just...
PRODUCERS: Just what? You do realise you've managed to write a show in which a YouTube influencer is *not* the worst person in the world? Now that’s an accomplishment.
DIRECTOR: What are you so mad at them for? You green-lit the project!
PRODUCERS: Yes, back when we thought it was about two cute boys hitting the gym, bonding over Thai food, and lip reading in different languages. We didn't expect a minestrone of anti-fat prejudices and pro-protein-shake propaganda. Didn't we have enough of that in Blueming?
DIRECTOR: What do you want us to do then? Pull the project?
PRODUCERS: Of course not. (Sighs.) When you've been in the business for as long as we have, you'll realise that people will watch anything. Most BL is queer-bait-and-switch anyway.
DIRECTOR: What then?
PRODUCERS: Send it to focus group -- but make sure there's no one gay, fat, or above 40 in it -- and see how often they say 'fluffy' or 'cute'. If it's more than 50%, release it.
WRITERS: So you want us to release something that you yourself hate?
PRODUCERS: Of course. Haven't you seen the Producers?


Reader's (Google Translated) Digest:
DO SAY: Krub, C̄hạn rạk khuṇ, Annyeonghaseyo, Salanghaeyo.
DON'T SAY: H̄yud ley. Kkeojyeo.

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Losing your marbles

"Nothing happens. Twice." Vivien Mercier famously said this of Waiting for Godot, but as a compliment. Of Takara no Vidro, I can say: "Nothing happens. Ten times." And that is not a compliment. Godot, in the most common interpretation of the play, is supposed to be death. Here, we wait for any semblance of life.

There is one, and only one, reason to watch this show. Iwase Yoji. If you do watch it for him, I suggest doing so at 2x speed, though even then, the show will seem slower than seeing a tortoise run a marathon. But if you care at all about plot, acting, script, direction, chemistry, charm, or some insight into human life -- rather than, as the title appropriately hints at, a vitrified vision of it -- I suggest you give it a miss.

Also, can someone please do a cut of Taishin's "Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh" set to Rihanna's "Umb(u)rella? It might not only justify the suffering he inflicted on us, but also offer a plausible explanation as to why it is the only syllable he can muster.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Eh?
DON'T SAY: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.

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A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs

Or: How to trap a man in 9 easy episodes.

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 astonishingly small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert (preferably cake, preferably for a birthday)
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication
1 episode of illness or indisposition
1 wet white towel, to tend to that indisposition
(Story or plot optional)

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which:
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. (at most) of interaction with the side characters
1 exclamation (at least) of "oishii" or "umai"
(Plot and character development optional)

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
(Payoff optional)

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized show
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pans and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into clean 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Special Notes for Sugar Dog Life:
1. I-su-mi-kun! I-su-mi-kun!
2. Do people really check for fever by huddling their heads together?
3. Kyosuke is coded as the husband and Isumi as the wife, right? Look at the poster.
4. What on earth is a sugar dog life? Is it a Japanese idiom? Can someone enlighten me?

Note: This review also appears under Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, but with a different set of notes.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta, Perfect Propose.

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The Ten Commandments of KBLs

These are the commandments that have been handed down to us by the gods of Korean BLs. They shall be the commandments by which any present and all future KBLs may be judged.

1. Thou shalt not kiss. Thou shalt not, in any meaningful sense of that word, "kiss". Thou mayst, however, press thy lips against another man’s as you would a leper’s.

2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if any man shall ask of you if you do, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”

3. Thou shalt refrain from all carnal desires. For it is a sin. The submissive shall resist all attempts at intimacy, and the dominant may not pursue the submissive unless it is known that all his attempts shall prove fruitless. (Aptly mayst thou call this 'ironical'.)

4. Thou shalt respect the difference in height between the dominant and the submissive. Six inches will suffice, a foot too much, three inches too little. As below, so above.

5. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a KBL. School, university, and office. For these do encompass all of life. Thou shalt invest thy characters in white jackets with blue borders if at school, leather jackets and hooded sweaters at university, and ill-fitted suits for work.

6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable plots for a KBL. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, and (adopted) brothers to lovers. Thou shalt entertain no other plots besides these.

7. Thou shalt employ no actor that is not thin, wanting of water, and starved for nutriments. The actors must have defined chests, six (or better yet, eight) pack abdominals, and flawless skin. Thou mayst coat the skin with three inches of wall paint to whitewash all flaws.

8. The writer shall inscribe in each tale at least one instance of timejump, forced separation or miscommunication. The unimaginative shall employ all three.

9. Thou shalt choose from among the following ornaments at least three to embellish thy tale: the slipping towel, the towel bath, an accidental fall or catch, sleeping-beauty false-kiss, somnolent confession, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, alcoholic amnesia, and rain-born fever.

10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale — in this, our most homophobic realm — unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. Remember thou always that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.

At the end of Episode 5:
Commandments obeyed: 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
Commandments broken: None.
Biblical Proportions: 5:10

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I am the Lord, thy God
DON'T SAY: Sexodus 6:9

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Great Tyme Continuum

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

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Happy in the End?

This is a conversation between me and my friend, Taeko. It is in two parts, the first covering Ep. 1 to 6, and the second covering Ep. 7 & 8, plus the series as a whole. As you will see, the division has proved quite useful, as the two parts really represent two different series, with what seem like two different sets of writers and directors.

PART ONE. (Ep. 1 to 6)

ME: Kimi to futari, hanauta majiri, kasanaru tabi, iro asakaya, kimi ga suki datta....
TAEKO: For god's sake, are you still singing that song?
ME: Yes. What's more, I wrote down the lyrics, decoded the Kanji, translated it, and memorised the lines.
MY HUSBAND (from the kitchen): Neeeeeeeeeerd....
TAEKO: So, Happy of the End. I feel we aren't going to disagree much on this one.
ME: No! I don't know how the last two episodes will turn out, but so far, it might be one of the best of the BLs I have ever seen.
TAEKO: Praise indeed! I am surprised at how much they were able to pack into just 6 episodes so far... Even though I feel some things have been lost in the process.
ME: Like what?
TAEKO: Chihiro, for instance... His abandonment by his whole family deserves more attention, and more justice than the show has given it. It was limited to just a few scenes, and needed far more emotional heft than that. On the other hand, you might be able to better relate to his being in love with a bisexual man than I can. Did the show come too close to suggesting, though, that bisexuals are just greedy and sleep around?
ME: No, I just think Shun'ichi is an arsehole, and deserves to be lonely forever.
TAEKO (laughing): I love it when you become catty. But Haoren's storyline -- it is very well done.
ME: Right? He might have the worst life it is possible to have in Japan. And just when you think that the show couldn't possibly go *there*, it goes there. I can't think of a taboo it hasn't touched... except, maybe, incest.
TAEKO: You never know. I'm still not sure if the guy who drops his trousers was his dad, his step-dad, or someone else.
ME: Speaking of bad daddies, or baddies... Maya!
TAEKO: Asari Yosuke is an amazing actor. As soon as he appeared on the screen, my hairs stood on end. That frog scene... Ewww.
ME: As is Kubota Yuki. Kaji is a fascinating character, because, unlike most other characters, his moral compass is not easily decipherable. He doesn't have the clarity that even Haoren has. He sends Haoren to Maya, and says something homophobic to Chihiro. He later repents of both, but it is not clear he might not do it all again. The writing could have been better in that scene, but I didn't think a BL was even capable of such subtle characterisations. Then there is also Yamanaka So as Matsuki -- another strange character. The simultaneous admixture of care and predation, of abuse and regret. His facial expressions were just superb. He convinced me in one minute why someone would *want* to be his pet.
TAEKO: But are we happy with the main actors?
ME: Beppu Yarai is a revelation for me. His eyes dance, his lips seduce, his body invites pity and sorrow. I'm less sure of Sawamura Rei.
TAEKO: I disagree. Rei was a revelation for me. You expect the hardened victim of child abuse and trauma to be this mere carapace of a human being, incapable of a smile, and incapable of hope. Haoren even declares himself to be so. But his actions belie his thought, and Rei captured that very well. And he's not this big, burly, intimidating, "blokey" bloke. His littleness and fragility are precisely what feel are subversive. Plus, you know how I love tiny tops.
ME: You're weird, you are. I still think Rei has been miscast, and, apart from Semantic Error, cannot think of the last time when an idol was good. But what about the show itself? Any reservations?
TAEKO: I found the frequent flashbacks tiresome. Especially when it was repeating the same scenes of abuse. In a short series, every second is precious. I also thought the slaps and the hitting weren't convincing. They needed better stunt coordinators. What about you? Didn't the inner monologues bother you?
ME: I could have done without them. It's a compulsive need the Japanese seem to have to rely more on the manga than on the script or the actors. But I do think that the decision to retain the basic structure of manga/BL storytelling, while trying to fit such an unusual story within it, might have been deliberate.
TAEKO: How so?
ME: Because it is jarring. The whole framework is jarring. The grammar of BL/Manga sets certain expectations for you, and their fossilised vocabularies then provoke predictable reactions to predictable events. Here, however, the grammar is there, but not the vocabulary. So, I don't necessarily feel the way I'm supposed to feel.
TAEKO: That *is* true, actually. I thought the portrayal of abuse was almost cold, clinical. And I didn't necessarily feel I needed to cry or be sad. It made me numb, which is perhaps how Haoren felt. Plus, there was no loud music to tell me how I ought to feel throughout the show.
ME: Can we talk about the music, and how good it is?
TAEKO: You're not going to start singing again, are you?
ME: No, I mean the background music. It wasn't particularly original -- there were those sustained guitar chords for the romance, and the xylophone ripples for Maya -- but it was atmospheric, and at least felt assonant with the plot.
TAEKO: You seem to like the show so much more than I do. Which is surprising. Because if anyone is a cynical arsehole between the two of us, it's you.
ME: Why, thank you. I will admit, I was quite miffed about the sex scenes.
TAEKO: Thank god! Me too. Are white blankets the new pixellation now? What was that?
ME: I agree! The loveless sex scenes were bad enough. But, when they finally make love after Haoren has disclosed his wounds -- and after we have seen a glimpse of both men's curves -- it seemed an act of criminal negligence to just throw a blanket over them. This is where they finally accept each other, their bodies, their love.
TAEKO: What made it worse for me was: after all that boldness on the streets, why the shyness between the sheets? Especially after the fleshlight scene, which was just... heartbreaking. If you can dwell long enough, and graphically enough, on scenes of abuse and violence, you can dwell enough on love. Urgh... Japan.
ME: Not limited to Japan, though, is it? In America, Red, White & Royal Blue, an innocent little gay flick, has the same rating as Django Unchained. Violence is preferable to intimacy, it seems, and straight intimacy to intimacy between men.
TAEKO: Let's not go there. But I'm happy you are so enthusiastic about a show for the first time in ages! I am less enthralled than you, but agree that this is a brilliant show.
ME: I agree. 2024 has been a dud so far. Let's hope this one picks up the slack...
MY HUSBAND (setting the table): Nerds...


PART TWO. (Ep. 7 & 8)

ME (to my husband): Take the rubbish out, will you?
TAEKO: You sound sad, my love.
ME: I am.
TAEKO: Why?
ME: That the series is over. That it made me cry a few times in the last episode. But, above all, that what I feared most still came true: a *precipitous* decline in quality in the last two episodes.
TAEKO: I hate to say this: but I did... Never mind, go on.
ME: Well, let me think: the last episode alone had the noble idiot trope, a forced separation at the train station, the nonsensical suicide of Maya -- which was completely at odds with his characterisation throughout the series -- the brief coming together of all the characters just before the ending... I mean, is that all you have to show of Kaji and Matsuki, two of the best characters in the show? The degree to which it borrowed from the BL trope kit was almost embarrassing.
TAEKO: Yet there were moments that moved you in it?
ME: Yes. Chihiro's face on the train when he realised that Haoren wasn't going to contact him. (Beppu is the saving grace of that episode, despite the director's best efforts to ruin him.) The moment where Haoren finds him on Instagram. The recognition of his own photo at the exhibition (though it was definitely not the photo Chihiro took). The brief cut, in the last scene, where they break the fourth wall (though the direction of it was really, truly awful). What did you think?
TAEKO: It all felt to me terribly rushed. I could barely keep up with all the stabbing and the running and the seaside gallivanting and the running away again and the prison time... It was exhausting. The seals were cute though. And with such logical inconsistencies as Chihiro's sudden success where he had none before (couldn't he have worked and saved up for a camera earlier?), and a mere three-year sentence for attempted murder, my disbelief could no longer be suspended. I'm also afraid I wasn't quite as moved as you with those precious moments, nor as disappointed with others, because my expectations were far lower.
ME: Maybe I just didn't want the final episode to be a complete failure.
TAEKO: What about the penultimate episode? Did you find it just as wanting?
ME: Well, it certainly wasn't memorable. I was really terrified going in -- which is a good thing -- because I knew Maya was gunning for Chihiro, but then it all became deflated like a tyre on road pike, didn't it?
TAEKO: Oh god yes. I watched the stabbing scene with almost Buddhist serenity, though this might be because they spoiled it for us in the trailer, as they did the train scene. The whole interlude between the assault and the stabbing was so odd, and so unconvincingly domestic -- and then, Haoren even used the "it's all my fault" line. Did Nicholas Sparks write this part?
ME: I wish it weren't so, but you're right.
TAEKO: So, no longer among the best of the BLs?
ME: No, no. It did make me cry at the end, which few BLs do. But I don't know why. If I could split it into two series, the first six would get a 9, and the last two would get a 6, which averages out to 7.5. But that still feels a bit generous.
TAEKO: Especially from you, for whom a single scene can sound the death-knell of a series.
ME: Hahaha. True. But I don't think the final episodes of HOTE were done in bad faith -- which is what pissed me off about the final scene of Cherry Magic, for example. So I'm willing to give it more of a pass. How about you?
TAEKO: I'm going to give it a 6 at best, but then, you know I'm a heartless bitch.
ME: Language!
TAEKO: Sorry.
ME: You know what makes me most sad, Taeko? Something told me this was exactly what was going to happen. I feel as if I knew it all along, not least because this is what happens whenever they squeeze a long manga into a short series. It always runs out of steam. Urgh. I hate being right.
TAEKO: You are the modern Cassandra, the entangler of men. Now, we need a good laugh. Shall we hate-watch something together?
ME: As it happens, I have just the thing...

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I'm addicted to you...
DON'T SAY: Don't you know that you're toxic?

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Drama Queens: A Cosplay

I asked two friends of mine, both old-school drag queens, and both with excellent make-up skills, to watch Cosmetic Playlover. Here is an excerpt of their conversation, edited for clarity.

MANI: Is this for real? This show?
PEDI: What do you mean?
MANI: Did we really just watch a Japanese BL about two gays behind a Sephora counter?
PEDI: Who knew? Who knew they had such dramatic lives?
MANI: What dramatic life? Apart from whatever’s going on with Natsume’s hair?

PEDI: That *is* a disaster, isn’t it? He stares at a mirror all day long... Did it not occur to him, at least once, to think, "hang on, my wig looks like it was sheared by a British dentist"?
MANI (laughing): The tall one, Toma, is it? His ain’t much better. But he’s so gorgeous that he can get away with it. He can get away with anything.
PEDI: He does.
MANI: By the way, in what world does a former supermodel work behind a makeup counter? Can you imagine Naomi Campbell working for Chanel at Macy's or Harrod's?

PEDI: Or Romy Féerique... Fun fact. Féerique is French for fairy. 

MANI: Now why would you know that?
PEDI: Because I’m a fairy, Mary.
MANI: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm not sure these two fairies deserve their own show. They are not funny, they are not sassy, they don't gossip... I'm sorry, but these are not interesting people. Beautiful, but not interesting. They take themselves way too seriously. And the show takes itself way too seriously.
PEDI: I mean, could the stakes be any lower? Let's face it. They're not exactly doing neurosurgery here. Do you think the Gucci girl behind the counter has the time to take clinical notes on each woman who comes to her for free make-up? Also, silent callers? Hate mail? What is this, 2006? All because Mr Dimple Cheeks “poached” a “make-up client”. Who is this client? Sultan of Brunei?
MANI: If he did poach him, he’d be doing us all a favour. By the way, I don’t remember us taking an exam to become a “make-up expert”. Do you?
PEDI: Ummm, yes we did. Remember when we first went out in drag 20 years ago, and no one punched us in the face? That was the exam.
MANI (laughing): Do people in Japan really take make-up this seriously?
PEDI: The straight women who wrote this thing do. I’m absolutely certain... certain... that whoever wrote the manga wrote the first draft by imagining herself as the female lead, and then replaced herself with Natsume.
MANI: Which, I think, is how most BLs are written.
PEDI: I don’t think we, as drag queens, are in any position to judge that.
MANI (laughing): No, I will say though, I was surprised by the heat levels in this show. The kisses were quite hot.
PEDI: Yes. But the villains were not.
MANI: Except for the one skinny guy who now makes a regular appearance in JBLs. He’s in Smells Like Green Spirit, and that teacher-student BL. Whatchamacallit?
PEDI: I know who you mean. He’s good. He served some real camp goodness. He's very good. And hot.
MANI: Toma’s brother?
PEDI: Not.
MANI: Remind me again, why does he come between the leads?
PEDI: I... don’t know. I don’t remember. Something about their parents being in New York, and wanting him to run the family business... Listen, mama, there’s more drama between my fake eyelashes than there is in the entirety of this show. Here’s the thing. If I was a hot Japanese ex-supermodel, and my family lived in New York, I’m taking Mr Dimple Cheeks with me, getting gay married at the Plaza, and buying an apartment in Chelsea.
MANI: Are you kidding? You’ll be catnip for the polyamorous gays. Sniffies will crash.
PEDI (laughing): Exactly. These two though, they wanna play husband and wife in Tokyo. The vibe is very old-school JBL...
MANI: Ah, the monologues, the monologues... Because, you know, characters in JBL don’t believe in talking to each other, but they’ll happily talk to us, invisible people.
PEDI: Yes! And then with the pushing against the wall, the cartoon villains, the shy maiden trope...
MANI: Again, because if there’s one thing we know about same-sex sex in BL world, it is that bottoms don’t want tops to top them…
PEDI: See, I don’t get that. I can't think of a single bottom in my life who won't jump on a hot top when he sees one. Hell, even a mediocre top! I don’t get that whole patriarchal “you belong to me” crap either.
MANI: I thought that went out with All About Eve.
PEDI: This is All About Steve.
MANI (laughing): I don’t mind the old-school vibe though. It’s fun. Loved that kiss against the background of fireworks... Ham-fisted symbolism? So sexy. Also, I kept imagining myself as Sponge Bob Hair Cut, and wanting to be pulled and hugged by the hot one and have my lips smashed. If that tall slice of meat were to come up to me and say, “you belong to me”, I’ll throw myself at him.
PEDI: Except you’ll cause an accident with those fake boobs...
MANI: What if it turns him on? 

PEDI: That means you've died and gone to heaven.
MANI (laughing): This show is absolutely ridiculous.
PEDI: And hot.
MANI: And ridiculous.
PEDI: And stupid.
MANI: And ridiculous.
PEDI: And surprisingly watchable.
MANI: Do you think Netflix will pay us to watch BLs like they do Trixie and Katya?

PEDI: Only if it’s a podcast.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Maybe she's born with it.
DON'T SAY: Maybe it's Maybelline.

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Freefall, or, Now My Friend Refuses to Talk to Me.

A conversation between me and a friend called Zhuang Zhou:

Part I. Episodes 1-7

ME: There’s a new Taiwanese BL in town!
ZZ: Oh? Is it about stepbrothers?


ME: Ummm…
ZZ: Let’s run through the checklist. Are the leads unusually attractive?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them poor, the other one rich?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them a taciturn grouch, and the other a happy-go-lucky pout?
ME: Wait…
ZZ: A dead mother, or an absent father?


ME: Both!
ZZ: Does it go from (step) sibling conflict to (step) sibling rivalry to (step) sibling love to (step) sibling banging?


ME: I don’t know about the banging, but the rest of the arc is covered.
ZZ: Is there an outing by the beach, by the river, or in an arcade?


ME: Two out of three!
ZZ: Being pushed against a wall? "Spin the bottle"? "Teach-you-a-lesson" kiss?
ME: Uh-huh.
ZZ: An older, supportive side gay couple?
ME: Yes. But helpfully, they have no individuality so far.
ZZ: Cameos from other TBLs?


ME: Aplenty.
ZZ: A vague attempt at creating a stock villain?
ME: There is this kid who might fit the bill. But his only sin, as far as I can see, is wanting to be the best and popular. So, monster!
ZZ: Loud, intrusive background music?
ME: Yes! Why do TBLs do this? Sometimes, I can't even hear what they're saying.
ZZ: Pity. How about a timejump or a trip abroad?


ME: We aren’t there yet, but it is based on a novel, and the young people who have read it hint at both in the comments.
ZZ: Don't tell me they're going to pull another Addicted or Stay With Me on us.
ME: That's the fear.
ZZ: So tell me why I should watch it.
ME: Well, it is not without charm. The characters are in school, and they are actually shown schooling! You know, books, teachers, homework, and all that stuff which other BLs pretend don’t exist? Plus, in this world, the teenagers do have boners, which, of course, most teenage boys do all the time. (Remember what filth we entertained in our heads?) So, it is not chaste. And the leads do have great chemistry.
ZZ: Tell me why I shouldn’t.
ME: The fans might murder me for this. But the episodes are far too long for what they contain. They could have done each episode in 30 minutes or less (which the Japanese seem able to do effortlessly). I'm not sure what all those lingering shots of nothing accomplished. I love seeing the boys together. But this is not Andrei Rublev.
ZZ: It does sound like it is chock full of the tropiest tropes that ever troped.
ME: Doesn’t matter if done well, though, does it? I myself am a bit divided about the show, but on the whole, I'm rather enjoying it than not.
ZZ: Maybe I’ll give it a go. I’ll call you after it’s done.
ME: Shhhhh…. Don’t let people know we call each other! What will the teenagers on MDL think?
ZZ: Right.


Part II. Episodes 8 & 9

NOTE: ZZ has a very irascible sense of humour. His opinions are not mine :)

ZZ: I hate you.
ME: Why?
ZZ: For making me suffer through this show.
ME: Did you quit?
ZZ: Are you still watching?
ME (shyly): No...
ZZ: You do realise what you've done?
ME: What?
ZZ: You've made me want to quit Taiwanese BLs forever. After you ruined Thai BLs for me forever by recommending that pile of... Never mind.
ME: When did you quit and why?
ZZ: Fifth or sixth episode, I'm not sure.
ME: So soon?
ZZ: What was there to watch? It's every trope in the TBL book, but served half-baked and soaked in maple syrup. The boys were quite cute, yes, but they were clearly 30 playing on 17. Their roles and interactions were stale as last month's loaf. I'm fine with the step-brother trope, but tell me what was subversive about it? What was new? And it was so... slow... It wasn't building up tension. It was acting as a muscle relaxant. Which might be good for Wang, because he's clearly the bottom, but I kept falling asleep. What did you see in this?
ME: Just lots of lovely moments. Tenderness. Hope for a beautiful romance. Unlike you. Who has an iceberg for a heart.
ZZ: Which made you overlook all the bad signs posted along the way. Well, was it worth it?
ME: To be honest, I no longer know. Why couldn't they leave well enough alone? Things were good (for me) until Ep. 7. Then, at the end of Ep. 8, the boys move in together, and what should have been a beautiful moment was ruined by such an awful loud soundtrack that I thought, this has all the subtlety of a hangnail. It was a bad sign. Then Ep. 9 came and... I needed to be put out of my misery.
ZZ: What happened?
ME: Oh, ZeeZee. It was baaaaaad... an absurd kidnapping plot, strange bisexual love triangles between teachers without any palpable tension, students mooning their teachers, 25 minutes of a school sports day... IBS would look at that episode and say, that's bloated. I couldn't go on. But I hear that there was a bandit in the 10th episode, who provides the only possible excuse for our boys to finally sleep in the same bed together.
ZZ: Because you know... Wang, despite his build, is as helpless and maladroit as if he's always about to walk on a banana peel...
ME: Yes. The poor thing kept spraining his ankles. Despite fighting off thugs three episodes earlier, he's still afraid of sleeping alone with all that banditry.
ZZ: I told you. This is BL by the numbers. Why won't anyone listen to me? Have you been spoiled the ending? Was I right to predict a time-jump and a forced separation?
ME: It seems so. Which is why I quit. Either they will have to get precipitously to a happy ending, or, they'll do a cliff-hanger and wait for a second season. I'm not sure I wanted to stay for either. Do you think I should have?
ZZ: I don't know, and I don't care... I'm going to go sink into my bed like a hippopotamus and stuff myself with a Victoria sponge cake. Now, go away.

P. S. I did go back for the last episode, eventually. The ending was just... unforgivable.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: You're the On1y One.
DON'T SAY: I am the One & On1y...

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Guns and Poses (NSFW)

Warning: This review is rated R for filth, dirt, obscenity and profanity. Reader beware.

Mani and Pedi are back. I asked my friends, both old-school drag-queens, to watch House of Stars with me. Here is their conversation, edited for clarity. This is a live review, so, it is organised episode by episode.

MANI: So, what are we watching today?
PEDI: House of Stars.
MANI: Is this a sequel to House of Gucci?
PEDI: Gaga… Oo.. Lala.

Episode 1.
MANI (when Suzi arrives on screen): Work! Woooork!
PEDI: She hasn’t even opened her mouth yet, and we know she’s a diva.
MANI: Icon!
PEDI (when Gun arrives): Fuck. Me. Hard. Have I died? Am I in heaven? He is... *hot*.
MANI (dumbstruck): You know what? If he came up to me, and said to me, drink my piss, I’ll drink his piss. I'll say: when's a good time for you? Do you charge by the ounce?
PEDI (laughing): You’re disgusting.
MANI: (when Korn arrives): Okay, I cannot tolerate this level of hotness in one TV show.
PEDI: This feels like a Thai Elite. How gay do we think it’s going to be?

MANI: Girl, this is a Thai BL. Elite had nothing on this.
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu arrive): Alright, they’re quite cute. But maybe forgettable?
MANI: I don’t know. I’d still fuck them.
PEDI: Or have them fuck you.
MANI: It’s all about give and take in our world.
PEDI (laughing): Ooh, who’s this?

MANI: Pawin.
PEDI (intrigued): He looks sly. Oh, a sly twink. Mama, mark my words. He’s a power bottom. The sower of dis-cord.

MANI: He’s gonna break up Korn from that evil girlfriend, isn’t he?

PEDI (laughing): A Korn thresher! (Laughs at her own joke): We know what’s going to happen, right?
MANI: Dogging?
PEDI laughs. (Later, when Pitch arrives): Pitch? He’s called Pitch?
MANI (when So arrives): And he’s called So. So?
PEDI: Wow, these boys *cannot* act.
MANI: And, compared to the men who came before… they look, ummm, how do I put it politely? Reptilian?
PEDI: Look, Pitch evidently has had too much botulinum toxin injected into his face, and only a So-So man could fall in love with him. Let us be kind.
MANI: I hate to break this to you, but I think Ms Botox and Ms Sourpuss are meant to be together.
PEDI flips the table in anger.

Episode 2 & 3.
PEDI: I don't understand. Is this an agency for actors? Or a whorehouse? Is Suzi an agent, or a pimp?
MANI: A bit of both, I think.
PEDI: Is that why they're all under curfew and house arrest?
MANI (getting up from the sofa when So and Pitch appear): We don’t care about So called Pitch? Okay? I don't care. They cannot act. They are boring. And I hate them. Stop this madness! Stop this gaslighting!
PEDI (unable to stop laughing): This is Pitch Imperfect… No, no wait… Bitch Imperfect.
ME (from the corner): You’re fired.
From this point onwards, whenever So or Pitch arrive on the screen, MANI takes the remote and presses fast forward.

Episode 4.
MANI (seeing Mintra leave): Finally. There is never a bad time for a mother to die in a Thai BL.
PEDI: Ooh, is something gay about to happen?
MANI (as the seduction begins): There you go. Dogging. See?
PEDI: Suzi! You pervert! Stop slivering them.
MANI: You mean the movie Sliver?
PEDI: Yes.
MANI: This is so hot, I’m not gonna lie.
PEDI: What’s there to lie about?
MANI (when they bone again in bed): See, this is true queer representation.
PEDI: What? Sideways cowboy?
MANI: As long it's not missionary... it's queer. (Later, when Wayu and Wayha enter the screen): Oh, I like them. They’re cute. But they don't have any *heat*... Oh wait, he's taking his shirt off. Never mind.
PEDI: Well, here’s a Pitch-er of cold water to ruin everything.

Episode 5
PEDI (seeing Pawin mount Korn): What the... fuck?
MANI (awe-struck): Hang on. Is the actor playing Pawin actually naked?

PEDI (getting very, very close to the TV): Looks like it.
MANI: You’re going to jerk off to this later, aren’t you?

PEDI: Mama, I am a cherry-grove lesbian. I *need* a story to get aroused.
MANI: And this is the one?

PEDI: Yes. And the fact that they are evidently going to get caught only adds to the thrill.
MANI (laughing): So, So? So, we know who the Mask is, right?
PEDI: It’s so obvious, it's not even obvious.
MANI: Well, we’re here for Korn bread. Who cares about the plot it comes from?

PEDI: Good point.

Episode 6
MANI: Nooooooooooo! Leave him alone, you marble-faced Barbie! Gun is ours!!!
PEDI: I didn't think it would be possible. But paired with Pitch, Gun is getting less and less attractive. It's like when your best friend marries an asshole, and she becomes an asshole, and you don't wanna hang out with her anymore? Just like that.
MANI: Urgh. (They skip through their whole failing-in-love montage.) Finally! Korn!
PEDI: Korn keeps us *fed*!
MANI: As he should.
PEDI: Did you notice that he's an oenophile? Always swilling a glass of fine wine?
MANI: Why do I hang out with you?

Episodes 7-8
MANI: The assistant with the power lesbian haircut is quite hot. She deserves her own plotline.
PEDI: I think it’s coming.
MANI: And Suzi knows how to put on a suit! Her stylist needs a raise. Not something I normally say about a Thai BL.
PEDI (seeing Pitch come on screen): Okay, for the rest of this show, we are not talking about Marble Face. Okay? Not even if he’s with Gun. It’s Chekov's anti-Gun. Give me the remote. Move it!
MANI (unable to make sense of the chronology): Who edited this show? Were they in a coma? Were the writers high on cocaine?
PEDI (when Sin arrives on the screen): Ooh, who's the new suit?
MANI: I don’t know. But the man knows how to wear one.
PEDI: It's the long-lost son, isn’t he? There's always a long lost son in Thai lakorns.
MANI (when it is revealed who The Host is): I knew it. I knew it!
PEDI: There’s your plotline.
MANI: Hang on. Is this incest? Is that where this is going?
PEDI: I doubt it. It’s not from Taiwan. (Later, when Mintra tries to frame Pawin): Really? This is where we’re at? In 2023?

Episode 9
MANI (when Sin declares “I want to ruin everything”): Woooork! Woooooork!
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu kiss): Awww… Lovely. Let the f*** at it, I say.
MANI: Hang on, hang on, hang on, Wayha, the post-adolescent *man*, has never been kissed before? Are you kidding me?
PEDI: This is BL fantasy, mama. Why are you expecting reality?
MANI: I’m not expecting reality. I just don’t want a teenage girl's Wattpad fantasy. Give me sex dungeons, and a voucher for Home Depot.
PEDI: A true gay fantasy.
MANI & PEDI together, at the final scene: Noooooooooooooooooo!
MANI: What just happened? Did we lose one of the main reasons we've been watching this show?
PEDI: Aaaaaaaaaargh! Couldn’t they have killed the other Bitch instead?

Episode 10-11:
MANI: Who do you think did it?
PEDI: Not the son. Not the Power Lesbian, obviously.
MANI: It’s the four-eyed assistant. It’s always the quiet, unassuming ones.
PEDI (when Gun confesses to So): Okay, what? He permanently disabled your brother, and you just forgive him? Mama, I smell a rat. I think So’s the killer.
MANI: So? So!
PEDI (laughing): Shut up.
MANI: Secret basement? This has gone full on Gothic, Mary.
PEDI: Sin can pull a sweater, let me tell you. Sweaters become him.
MANI: Would you say that he makes you sweat all over?
That he knows his pullovers?
PEDI (laughing): You need help.
MANI (when Host and Sin reveal the truth): Pawin is the only one invested. Look at him acting all shocked. Everyone else? Stone-faced.
PEDI (when the sex scene begins): Mama, is this Star Trek the next generation?
MANI: What do you mean?

PEDI: I mean, this has to be science fiction, right? Are we really seeing every guy in the house bang each other?
MANI: Except Marble Face and Sourpuss.
PEDI: Oh, put me out of my misery if that happens.
MANI: Mintra, Mintra! You go girl! Finally, some self-respect! (Later): Hang on, did Mintra and the Bottom Bitch just team up against Korn? Woooooork! Wooooooork!
PEDI: Awww… poor Korn.
MANI: This show is magnificent.

Episode 12.
MANI (during the yacht scene): What? What’s happening?
PEDI: We just destroyed a man’s life. I gave a man PTSD. My botox injections went all wrong. Oh, and our agent just died. But hey, let’s paartaaaaay!
MANI (at So): You brought your disabled brother on a yacht? With the man who hit him with his car?
PEDI: Something smells fishy here. And it’s not the sea.
MANI: Don't tell me Suzi really did die due to an allergy! If so, that’s worse than Cersei’s death in GoT.
PEDI: But wait, mama. Did you notice something? Something awesome? We haven’t seen Pitch in the last two episodes… at all. As in, he's gone. Disappeared.
MANI (jumping with joy): You’re right. You’re right! Our prayers have been answered! Praise the lord! The Pitch dropped dead! (Laughs at her own joke.)
PEDI: Do you think he was fired? The actor?
MANI: Why, because he was so bad? Now that you mention it...
PEDI: I hope people wrote to The Hague, because it is a crime against humanity to pair him up with Gun.
MANI (laughing at her own cleverness): I do hear Gun crime is on the rise.
ME (from the corner): You're fired.
PEDI (shocked at the final twist): What???
MANI: Told you!
PEDI: You witch!
MANI: I kind of knew it when So So was looking at the camera — hitting his head against the fourth wall, very, very badly — and talking about how good it would be if everything had a happy ending...
PEDI: Yup. Should have seen it coming. What an ending though!
MANI: This show is pure genius.
PEDI: A work of art.
MANI: Come on, let's watch it again.
PEDI: I'll order pizza.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The Korn Ultimatum
DON’T SAY: So long, Pitch!

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A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs (II)

Or, How to Rob the Cradle in 7 Gourmet Meals

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication, or forced separation
1 episode of illness or indisposition
1 wet towel to help tend to that indisposition
(Story optional)

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry or sauce
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. (at most) of interaction with side characters
1 exclamation (at least) of "oishii" or "umai"
(Plot and character development optional)

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
(Payoff optional)

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized series
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pan and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Special Notes for Mitsuya Sensei:
1. I have not seen two actors/characters with less chemistry and less suited for each other since Elon Musk and Grimes. It is the first BL, ever, in which I actively did not want the men to kiss.
2. Yamazaki Masayoshi is an amazing actor, and made the role of Mitsuya his own.
3. Caramel Popcorn is the new birthday cake.
4. The dog was the best thing about the show. Fight me.

Note: This review also appears under Sugar Dog Life, but with a different set of notes.

DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Sugar Dog Life, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta, Perfect Propose.

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Great Tyme Continuum (With no added sultriness)

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

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Unforgotten Bite

Alright, hear me out. I quite enjoyed this. Well, half of it. Well, maybe a third of it.

There was a period when chaste, homophobic KBLs were getting on my last nerve, and I decided I won't watch any BLs without at least a bit of tongue-lashing, and so, I stumbled upon this. With generous skipping, I thought of it as a Thai Pinku Eiga, which made it a lot more fun.

Don't be under any illusion: this is very, very, very, very, very, very bad. Very.

But... was I amused to see a virgin twin(k) ride a hot stud like an acrobatic rodeo two minutes after saying, "I've never done this before"? Yes.

Was I also amused to see the other twin(k) be railed by another hot dude (my fave) on the kitchen table... twice? Also yes.

Did I hate that horrible loincloth on one of the twinks during that stairway two-way? Absolutely.

Was I also left with an idiotic smile at the end of it all, with a welcome reminder that characters in a BL can unapologetically enjoy sex -- something a lot of supposedly "good" BLs still have on their to-do list? Believe it.


***
Notes:
1. The score for acting/cast is based purely on the hotness of the actors, which, I know, is very deep of me.
2. The score for "rewatch value" is also based on hotness, but of the sex scenes, which, to be fair, ought to be deep.
3. I don't know that there was any *music*, but I remember seeing guitars -- this being a Thai BL, after all -- and promptly muted my computer.
4. As for story, it is as good as you get in any soft porn. Which is to say, non-existent. It did convince me to go to Japan, though!


***
Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Don't you ever tell me... Love isn't true... It's just something that we do.
DON'T SAY: Let's ride this train... coming around the bend... I know it's coming again.

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[Updated] Fruits 'n Suits

THE BAILIFF: All rise. The court is now in session. Justice Bea Yeller presides.

DEFENCE: Objection!

JUDGE: Counsel, we haven’t even begun yet.
DEFENCE: But we're here, your Honour. We're here, we’re (not) queer, and we’re loud and clear.
JUDGE: Oh, do sit down. (To the Prosecution): Now, what is the substance of the claim here?

PROSECUTION: A JBL programme, your Honour. Love is Poison. We claim that it is another predictable, pointless and a disappointing addition to the canon, and that, though it is often enjoyably silly, in 2024, it feels dated and retrogressive.
DEFENCE: Spoilsports!
JUDGE: Is that a legal ground for objection, counsel?

DEFENCE: It is in the show!

JUDGE (sighing): They don’t pay me enough for this.
THE JURY: Nor us, your Honour.
JUDGE: Alright, I’ll hear from the Defence first. What do you have to say?

DEFENCE: We say, simply, that LIP is a fun, funny, quirky, and delightful BL, that warms our hearts, and fills us with joy. It does not aspire to anything more than that. And it should not be taken to task for not being anything more than that. The entirety of Prosecution’s case rests on what it *wants* a BL to be, not what it is.
JUDGE: And what is it? 

DEFENCE: A BL.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your Honour. Facts not in evidence.
JUDGE: Sustained. Counsel, you can't just go around begging the question. What do you mean by "just a BL"?
DEFENCE: It’s a fantasy in which two men fall in love. That’s all. It is governed by a set of well-established conventions, and Love is Poison merely follows those conventions. That does not make it derivative or dull, even if it is predictable.
JUDGE: Alright then. What makes it so fun and enjoyable? What is it that warms your hearts and fills them with joy?

DEFENCE: Two very handsome leads, one nerdish lawyer and one sexy rogue. Workplace romance that is half Suits, half Legally Blonde. A light, almost wafer-thin plot which we can comfortably ignore as background noise. People talking to succulents, succulents talking back. Food porn. Manga-style very loud interior monologues. (Japanese sounded never more masculine.) A killer soundtrack. (With helpful furigana to sing along.) The assurance of a happy ending. And, it is very, very funny. What more could you possibly want?
JUDGE: Does the Prosecution dispute any of this?

PROSECUTION: No, your Honour.
JUDGE: Then why are we here?

PROSECUTION: May we put certain questions to the Defence, your Honour?
JUDGE: Why?

PROSECUTION: Latitude, your Honour.
JUDGE: Go ahead. I need to file my nails anyway.
PROSECUTION: Those two very handsome leads, do either of them call themselves ‘gay’?
DEFENCE: No.
PROSECUTION: Is there a character in the show that explicitly does?
DEFENCE: Yes.
PROSECUTION: Is he handsome, this openly gay person? Is he shown with his lover? Are the two shown in any intimate light? Is he anything more than an unattractive, supportive sidekick?
DEFENCE: No. No. No. And no.
PROSECUTION: Do the leads kiss?

DEFENCE: Objection, your Honour. Where are they going with this?

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Do the leads kiss?
DEFENCE: It depends on what you mean by kiss.
JUDGE: I think we all know what kissing means, counsel.
PROSECUTION: You'll be surprised, your Honour. We must be grateful we are not in a South Korean court. But to clarify, we mean a kiss that clearly shows two men desiring each other. Not a kiss in which one man presses his lip against another as if he might catch the plague, or worse, turn him “gay”.
JUDGE: No need to be snippy, counsel.
PROSECUTION: Cheerfully withdrawn.
JUDGE: Very well, do they kiss?
DEFENCE (looking a bit hapless): We refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate us.
The JUDGE rolls his eyes.
PROSECUTION: Alright. Is there an intimate scene in which one actor does not plank on top of the other, again, you know, because… eww… gay…
DEFENCE: Objection!
JUDGE (at the same time): Counsel! You are on a short leash here.
PROSECUTION: Apologies, your Honour.
JUDGE (to the Defence): Answer the question.

DEFENCE: No, there isn’t. But the actors…
PROSECUTION: Oh, we actually do have a statement from the actors, your Honour, in which they say they have no problems whatsoever with same-sex intimacy. That it is part of their job. That the homophobia was not theirs.
DEFENCE: Objection. There’s no homophobia in the show.
PROSECUTION: We don’t disagree, your Honour. There *is* no homophobia in the show. That is part of what makes it enjoyable. Right? 
It is pure fiction.
DEFENCE: Yes. So what? Is that wrong? Many of us need that fantasy to escape this world, and we are well within our right to.
PROSECUTION: We take no issue with that. But everything around and about the show is, shall we say, more 2014 than 2024. After all, why introduce a gay character with no individuality, no depth, and no heart, except to support the very straight-coded leads?

DEFENCE: Straight-coded? Are you suggesting the leads be effeminate to conform to a stereotype?

PROSECUTION: Not at all. But the Defence has already admitted to the existence of BL conventions by which LIP abides. Did you not? Would you not then agree that this is one of them? That the leads must, to all appearances and in all aspects, act ‘straight’? One consequence of which is that they can never identify as ‘gay’? And another consequence of which is that effeminate or openly gay characters don’t ever get to be the leads?
DEFENCE: Objection, your Honour.
JUDGE: What is it this time?
DEFENCE: Relevance? Must these people ruin everything that is fun by making it about something grave and important? 

PROSECUTION: Might we remind the jury that BLs are, by the defendants' own definition, stories of two men in love? Which makes the question of whether or not they are gay or bisexual is more than relevant.
JUDGE: Overruled. Hurry up, counsels. Some of us have to go to lunch.
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, what the Defence calls conventions, we call clichés. What they call silly, we call stupid. What warms their heart, makes us cringe. What fills them with joy, fills us with regret.
JUDGE: Isn’t this all a bit subjective, counsel? What exactly do you want me, and the jurors, to do about it?
DEFENCE: Exactly. Why harsh our mellows?
JUDGE: Is that a legal code now, "harshing one's mellows"?

PROSECUTION: Your Honour, we don’t ask for realism from BLs. Not at all. That would be an oxymoron. We just think that many of the conventions, as the Defence calls it, or tropes, as we call it, are backwards and regressive. They are exclusionary, even discriminatory. We would also enjoy LIP a lot more if it did not resort to these tropes in 2024. When the majority of Japanese are in support of gay marriage. And when Japan, as a society, seems apt to move on.
JUDGE: What does the Defence say?

DEFENCE: We don’t believe in telling people what to make, your Honour. We just enjoy what is given.
PROSECUTION: But not telling people what to make is to tacitly endorse what they are already making. By claiming to enjoy it for what it is, you are voting for more of the same. For stasis and mediocrity. And it shows.
DEFENCE: Objection.
JUDGE: Overruled.
DEFENCE: Your Honour!
JUDGE: O-ver-ruled. (To the Prosecution): Wrap it up, counsel.
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, we would love to do nothing more than enjoy the same BLs that the Defence does. Nothing would make us happier. But many of these outdated conventions leave a very bad taste in our mouths. We love the cactus choreography, we love the blinding white camera flares, and we all love the strategic towel drop that accidentally reveals the nerdish lawyer’s unexpectedly hot body. We love the stupidity of the BL insistence that every student, lawyer, doctor, be a genius and the best in the whole country. We love the even greater stupidity that they all also happen to be hot, popular, and surrounded by girls who do nothing but shout ‘kawai’, and run around with gifts and flowers to give the ‘ikemen’. (Of course, we won’t talk about how JBLs treat the women in the show, which is a whole different can of worms.) All we ask is that gay people’s identities be not erased in the name of appealing to the masses, and pandering to the homophobes. We don’t think we are being unreasonable.
JUDGE: Anything more to add?
PROSECUTION: No, your Honour.
JUDGE (to the Defence): Counsel?
DEFENCE: The Defence rests, your Honour.
JUDGE: Very well then. Jurors, deliberate, and when you come to a conclusion, let me know. I’m off to Bianca’s.

THE JURY: Still out there.

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Ten short sermons on how (not) to write (a BL)

1. If you're going to write a show wherein music is an important theme, the characters' fingers must at least touch the instruments convincingly. A few piano lessons (or guitar lessons) will go a long way.

2. A show about musicians must, well, be musical. No amount of autotuning, nor a liberal sprinkling of English words, can conceal a fundamental want of talent.

3. A rock star -- even a grieving washed-up rock star -- is allowed to age without unkempt unshampooed undeloused hair. It is unforgiveable to make Charles Tu look that ugly. Even more unforgivable to use a wig that looks like it was the sole survivor of a tornado that ripped through a FujoCon.

4. Bowl cuts are not markers of youth. Anymore than manbuns are markers of midlife crises.

5. Still on the subject of hair, are blonde mullets a thing now? Does anyone find them attractive? Orca, if you want to know why Reese resists, just look in the mirror.

6. Don't be a prick tease. If you're going to keep our lovers apart in the name of building up tension, you had better give us a good reason for doing so. Poor Reese. I still don't understand why he couldn't shag that idiot for so long, the one who thought it fit to add blonde extensions to his otherwise perfect hair, a stray strand of which, for the billionth time in BL, Reese felt the need to tenderly push away while he was asleep. (Sea did this too! In the same episode!) I know that blindness caused by a lock of hair is endemic to BL, and often fatal. But Reese, if you can tolerate that mullet, you must truly be in love. You do you.

7. If you're going to have more than a few supporting characters in a story, give them more individuality than a side-couple with no dramatic interest, a straight pair who are just supportive friends, and a dead brother whose main purpose is to be dead.

8. People don't need loud background music to tell them how they should feel. People know how to feel -- assuming that the actors and the script are any good. In a show where music is the main theme, it's just self-defeating.

9. Sassy secretaries are awesome. Use them more.

10. Don't worry about age-gaps or height-gaps. They are beloved for a reason. However, be subversive. Make the short twink the top, and the tall washed-up rock star the bottom. Then get a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the pandaemonium that follows. (But please don't save that bowl for another haircut.)

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: If music be the food of love...
DON'T SAY: Play on.

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