The following is a FaceTime conversation between me and my friend Apichatpong, who prefers to go by Chat, because he believes in nominative determinism. We often watch BLs together.

CHAT: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
ME: So, you gave it a go then?
CHAT: Yes.
ME: And?
CHAT: I threw my laptop out of the window.
ME: That would have been impressive if you didn’t live on the ground floor.
CHAT: Well, if you know me, you know that my laptop means more to me than my own mother.
ME: Okay, let's pivot. You sound angry, my dear.
CHAT: I’m livid. So livid, in fact, that I want to go home to Bangkok and shut down GMMTV.
ME: Do you want to get us murdered? You do realise people have been doxxed for less.
CHAT: I don’t care any more. There’s no meaning to life.
ME (laughing): It wasn’t that bad, come on.
CHAT: I suppose you've forgotten the original. But then, you also have no taste. I don’t know which to blame.
ME: Bellend. What are you so angry about?

CHAT: What is there to be happy about? This show is an absolute trainwreck, one that leaves mutilated corpses in its wake. Just... why???? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
(CHAT opens the door to his garden dramatically and declaims.)
People of Thailand… Listen to me. Don’t let them get away with this. You are better than this. You are better than this abomination of a show.
ME (laughing): Oh, come off it.
CHAT (coming back in): Lou, you know how much I love the original. I resisted it for a long time, but I was so glad I watched it in the end. It was a wonderful, if uneven show, genuinely funny, full of heart, and it had a huge impact on me. Hell, it had a huge impact in Japan. Haruko and Maki’s wedding was broadcast on the public squares of Shinjiku. And…
ME: Why are you talking like you host a podcast with a weeb?
CHAT: Shut up. But this show... this show is the opposite. It is regressive, it is stupid, and it is not funny.
ME: Yes, you famously love your own country's sense of humour.
CHAT: But I do! I watched all of RakDiao. Do I not deserve a fucking medal for that?
ME: You’re not making the compelling case you think you are.
CHAT: I don't care… back to this show. It takes everything that made the original tick, and jettisons it. And in its place, it has added a bunch of things that has already made it, for me, upsettingly unwatchable.
ME: I know I shouldn't, but go on.
CHAT: Okay, TED Talk mode activated. Soz babe. (Clearing his throat.) The original worked because of three things. One, it is primarily about an old man’s love, right? But the fact that he is old, or the boss, is not the point of the humour. Nor is his attractiveness. Unlike in this atrocity, he is distinctly unattractive. But again, that's not what makes it funny. The show is about what it means to start again after being married to a woman for so long time, but this time with a man. Ossan (Kurosawa) was starting over twice. He was clueless and hapless and hopeless, but was supremely unaware of it. That’s what makes it funny, but also poignant. What do we have here? A very attractive older man, whose wife has already died, thereby removing all that inward conflict, which means his character is toothless by default, and so the bite of the satire goes with it...
ME: Wait. Two points before you continue. One, a lot of people on MDL say that the last premise no longer works because Thailand has equal marriage…
CHAT: Bollocks. As if older gay men in Britain and America are not still trapped in unhappy marriages or do not come out in their 50s. When did Phillip Schofield come out?
ME: True. But tell me this, why should the original OL should be the point of comparison here? After all, we adapt from books, remake shows and films, why should you base your opinion now on the Japanese version?
CHAT: I don’t claim that one *ought* to compare it to the original. I’m merely using the original as a point of departure to say why this version is insubstantial and a failure, in a way that the original wasn't. And no, it doesn't come down to cultural differences either. That's a lazy, and frankly objectionable argumentation. You found Rak Diao funny, didn't you? So to say something is not good because of cultural relativism is as much an insult to your intelligence as it is to that culture on behalf of whom these people purport to argue. Besides, your objection would be justified if I expected viewers to know the plot from the original. I don't. But comparing one adaptation with another is a legitimate enterprise, and I think it enriches our understanding of a show, not detract from it.
ME: Okay, Dumbledore. Go on. Your second point.
CHAT: Yes. But before that, what I said about Ossan also applies to Haruta/Momo. Earth is very attractive. I know you don’t fancy him…
ME: Not with a bargepole.
CHAT: But I do. Most normal people do. But Tanaka isn’t, not in the same sense. You end up finding him attractive, but he's not out there as a thirst trap from the first scene...
ME: Well, at least they cast Mix, who is as unattractive as they get…
CHAT: I think you're the one about to get doxxed, my friend. Anyway, my second point is about the women in the shows. In the original, the women were not mere fujoshis. Nor were they the cock-blocking monsters that they are in most BLs. They were fully realised characters. That was only possible because Kurosawa’s wife is allowed to grieve her marriage and find her own man, and because Uchida and Haruto are given the chance to explore their feelings for each other… Half the humour and half the subversiveness of the original derived from its depiction of female sexuality. And yes, the original *was* subversive. Not this one. It has all the subversiveness of a straight wedding on a beach in Bali.
ME: Alright, alright. But how do you know that the episodes to come of the Thai version won't have anything subversive, or a fuller exploration of its female characters?

CHAT: Mate? Be serious. The first three episodes are each an hour long. Guess how many minutes were devoted to the female characters in total? Less than 5.
ME: Hmmm.
CHAT: But, worry not. Instead of giving the women their due, this version has all the bloatware of a bog-standard Thai BL. Including the cameo from First and Khaotung. With whom, for the record, I'm absolutely done.
ME: As am I with Earth and Mix. Sorry.
CHAT: I mean, I don’t disagree. I think both couples need to be retired and paired with other people for their own good.
ME: Thai BL really needs to stop with this whole tradition of pairing actors for life. They are not pink flamingoes, you know.
CHAT: Which brings me to the third reason. The dynamics of the love triangle. In the original, you want to root for Maki, but, for all his flaws — and he is a wonderfully annoying, deeply flawed character — it is hard not to want Kurosawa to be happy. The triangle held together because it was, if not equilateral, at least isosceles.
ME: Nerd.
CHAT: Said Prof Pot to Prof Kettle.
ME (laughing): Touché.
CHAT: How can there be the space or scope for a true love triangle here, when there is already a pre-determined ship that has fixed the outcome in the viewer's mind, and when those of us who are tired of that mix actively don’t want Earth to be Mix-ed.
ME: Yuck.
CHAT: Why thank you. But this is just the start. Earth does his best with his gesticulations, and Krit, having pedigree, has clearly studied the original. (For the record, I do like Krit.) But then, there’s Marble Face, who's proof positive that botulinum is as toxic to acting as it is to the face. The ultimate problem, however, is the script. Which no amount of good acting can overcome.
ME: Fair enough. But, to quote my nephew, “Why so salty, bruh?”
CHAT: Well, can I quote your own words?
ME: I wish you wouldn’t.
CHAT (imitating me): “Or, you know, just stop. The “market”, unlike colour in Japanese cinematography, is saturated enough as it is. We have the Thai BL meat factory releasing a bodice-ripper every other week, but at least there the actors know how to kiss. Taiwan releases a step-brother storyline once a month to titillate us, and KBL is ever at hand to give us the white-and-blue-jacket no-kiss-guaranteed school lunch once a season. We have enough to keep us going. If you have nothing original to offer, why bother?”
ME: I see your point.
CHAT: I’m angry, because it is another product of the meat factory, as you call it. I’m angry, because it is an insult to the original. I’m angry, because all the things that were good about it are gone. I’m angry, because Thailand — even GMMTV, which is in desperate need of a hostile takeover — can do so much better. I'm angry, because time and energy and resources have been spent on this when there are better scripts and stories out there -- funnier, and richer, and livelier, and above all, about us -- that could have been told instead. Need I go on?
ME: No, but, I’m absolutely certain you have not endeared yourself to anyone on MDL. And I’m also certain that you’re going to bring me down with you. But... I made a promise to you, and I have to keep it.
CHAT: Do. Can I just say one more thing?
ME: Yes.
CHAT: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
ME: By the by, I worked out what the name of your Thai BL ship would be!
CHAT: What's that?
ME: ChatBot.
CHAT: Oh, fuck off!

Reader’s Digest:
DO SAY: Earth, Wind and Fire
DON’T SAY: Lost in Translation